cs joseph responds
Welcome to CS Joseph Responds. I’m your host Chase here to answer your questions on any topic, Jungian Analytical Psychology or the Four Sides of the Mind, also known as Four Sides Dynamics. And today’s question is, would an INFJ and an ESFP make a good couple? And the source of today’s question is Quora. So let’s take a look at that question. Here it is on Quora. And it’s got five answers, excellent. So the first answer comes from Melissa Donovan, who is a small business owner from 2004 to present, and she answered on May 25, 2018, with 45 upvotes. Friends, yes and good ones. Long term committed couple, hmm. I love hanging out with ESFPs. They’re fun, they’re warm, they’re likable and nice and sociable. They treat people like they want to be treated. Not always. I’m not sure there’s a mean bone in their bodies. Yeah, right. Okay. They’re amazing with kids and pets. Yeah, I’ll give them that one, and have a soft spot in their hearts for the underdog. Yes, that’s true too actually. All appealing qualities to an INFJ, lots of positives in the friend department. They care about their people a lot. However, they might forget that you’re one of their people if you don’t see them very often. Wow, very true actually. I’m actually kind of shocked at the accuracy of this answer so far. They’ll be best buddies if you work together, but you might not hear from them for months after the job ends. That’s true. This doesn’t mean they don’t like you anymore, they just seem to unintentionally do the out of sight out of mind thing. Wow. Well said, that’s well said. That can be pretty hurtful to an INFJ. Yes, that is very hurtful, we’re actually gonna explore why. Also, I’ve noticed appearances matter a lot to ESFPs. That’s true. For example, they might suck it up and take abuse from “important people” to stay in the in-crowd. Yes, that’s true. They don’t tend to see through a facade very quickly and are drawn to follow charismatic people, even if they’re fake. That’s so not the way INFJs roll. I will say in the ESFP’s defense that they really do try to see the best in people and I think it’s admirable. That’s true, they generally do. They have a better chance of positively transforming a bad group dynamic than I do because of their willingness to stay. Okay, yeah, fair point. ESFPs probably find INFJs to be too intense. Conversely, ESFPs tend to care a lot about stuff that seems superficial to an INFJ. That’s not necessarily accurate. I don’t think they find INFJs too intense, I maintain it’s more of that ESFPs can find INFJs to be really forceful, and actually take away their freedom of choice which leads to conflict. And ESFPs don’t really give a damn about INFJ choices or what INFJs wants to do even though INFJs very much care what they want to do. And that’s actually where the source of conflict is coming from. One time I was having a conversation with an ESFP friend about life after death. We were in this really deep place together and she very seriously changed the topic to the color of shingles she was thinking of putting on her roof. That conversation went on for a long time. I never knew there was so much to be contemplated. What would the neighbors think? Were the shingles worthy of the house itself? I guess she wanted a deep and meaningful connection about that too. Totally fine and kind of funny coming from a friend. I probably couldn’t handle those types of conversations consistently for my spouse, very fair. INFJs have depth. We know a few people frighteningly well. ESFPs have breadth, they can seriously make friends with anyone and everyone. It’s kind of amazing. INFJs value individuality. You think I’m different? Okay, well, I don’t think that’s true. INFJ value individuality maybe for themselves, but they expect everybody else around them to be the same because of how affiliative they are. This is what causes INFJs to be authoritarian and force social rules that they maintain is the best way to do about things. And they force everyone else around them to behave just like them. So INFJs value individuality? Sure, for themselves but not for others and it’s kind of hypocritical on their part. You think I’m different? Why, thank you. ESFPs value popularity. That’s true. Everyone adores me. Everyone adores me? Yes! And whew! Yeah, okay, fair, fair points. There’s no right or wrong, they’re just very different. For the right couple, I’m sure there’s enough common core values like kindness and generosity to make it work, but expect to butt heads over issues like conformity, social expectations, material possessions, etc. And also freedom of choice, I’m adding that one in there. The color of shingles matter more than you know. I better call my friend and see if she went with a charcoal or slate. Okay, very funny. And we have Vitor Torao Akeda, thinking about everyday life. Speaking from my observation and out of socionics observations. Oh! Gross. At first, ESFP will be very interested and have the INFJ as the object of attention and admiration. The INFJ will enjoy it. Exchange will be interesting because of total different points of view. There is felt elation. Both can deal with people, so it shouldn’t be too difficult at first. The new experiences each other bring will be appreciate it. No, no that’s not true. On a closer and more prolonged relationship, like on a daily basis, this can get worse as values differ considerably. Lifestyles and activities also differs considerably. Okay, the values aren’t a problem here, the values actually line up quite well. They may differ but eventually over time, they’ll become the same. The problem actually is the lifestyles and activities. That’s the issue. But we’re gonna explore why in a second. The specific needs of one and the other may feel unmatched. Okay, that’s true. It’s hard to pay attention to each other’s pet peeves. That’s true, because they’re both oblivious to the other person’s pet peeves, lol. Differences may grow subconsciously because of the inability to truly get one another. True that, this is why this relationship is a bad decision. Strictly professional relationship and casual friendships seems much better fit and actually productive. Yes, it is, and there’s a little bit of camaraderie in there that can actually gain from each other and actually can learn from each other in the long run, which is probably far more valuable. When I see ESFP talking about INFJ and vice versa, it’s usually a mix of respect, critique, although the tone suggests that it was a worthful exchange. Exactly. Vitor, you’re absolutely right here. In fact, I would probably describe this relationship more of a shoulder to shoulder relationship instead of a face to face relationship, even though they have super high emotional compatibility, but they have like no sexual compatibility whatsoever. Okay, Diantha says it really depends. I don’t think I’d personally go well with an ESFP because they seem a bit superficial and materialistic to me. These might be prejudices, but I do feel like extrovert sensory types aren’t as deep as introvert intuitive types. That’s not true, they actually can be super deep. The differences is their level of depth is completely different. When you’re a concrete type. You’re more aware of how memories are attached to physical objects and whatnot. And that’s where the metaphysics actually meets the extroverted sensing road. Well, metaphysics is typically extroverted intuition. The thing is that, the past actually keeps its impression on physical objects, and it creates totems, and therefore extroverted sensors can have a metaphysical relationship with objects, etc. It’s kind of like an ISFP or an ESFP having a lucky slot machine at the casino, even though that’s not even real and it doesn’t exist, but for some reason they think it is. So, okay, fair enough. I don’t really need to go into these for more. But for the most part, most people on Quora are saying, “no, it’s a bad idea.” And quite frankly, I’m inclined to agree with them. So would an INFJ and an ESFP make a good couple? Hell no, not remotely. And let me explain why. Let’s talk about the good parts of this potential relationship. This is known as a cohort relationship. A corhot relationship I think, and according socionics is one of the few pieces of socionics I actually like when it explains different kinds of relationships. Well, a cohort relationship is when you have super high, if not the highest emotional compatibility between two types but you have zero sexual compatibility whatsoever. These people have zero sexual chemistry. It’s absolutely horrible. Because ESFPs’ like, “Oh, yeah, I’m gonna give you a really good experience in the bedroom.” And the INFj is like, “No, I don’t want a good experience in the bedroom, “I want to give you a good experience in the bedroom.” And they’re both competing for basically who’s on top. It doesn’t matter if they’re male or female. They’re basically competing for the one who’s leading the experience. And the INFJ so desperately wants because they have performers and decide to be the performer in the sexual act. Whereas the ESFP is basically known as the performer and known for performing and would actually just make the INFJ feel guilty in the bedroom, and make the INFJ feel like that they’re terrible at performing. And as a result, it just ends up falling apart. The INFJ in this situation because of their guilt often ends up bending over to the ESFP and becoming subservience the ESFP’s wishes to be on top in a sexual situation. And the INFJ who would prefer to be like on top themselves ends up being the person on bottom and then end up going to the Introverted Sensing Demon, and basically pretending to be an ISFJ to make the ESFP lover happy and you think that’s sustainable for any amount of time? No. I mean, how do these relationships even start to begin with? It’s mostly because the, the ESFP is all of a sudden deciding to play hard to get or the INFJ is just not really being approachable and the ESFP goes up to the INFJ and then ends up introducing themselves to the INFJ because they’re both Ni users and Ni users are typically, regardless if they’re introverted or extroverted, It’s on them to initiate a relationship to basically ask out the other person, essentially, that’s how it works doesn’t matter if you’re male or female. This is why female ENTJs asked out male NTPs all the time, it’s normal, right? It’s also normal for female NTJ’s, to be the one to produce rings to their male NTPs. This happens all the time, especially female ENTJ’s and it’s like not even weird for some reason, but they’re just super pragmatic. And they don’t really care about the social order and they just go with it. But when it comes to an INFJ and ESFP situation, the INFJ is being all affiliative and trying to do the right thing because they’re interdependent and wanting to be on a team. So they end up letting go and, and they never are sexually satisfied by the ESFP ever. And then the ESFP takes it very personally when the INFJ is not sexually satisfied. Because it’s like, “I’m doing all these things. “I know I’m performing well “and it’s worked for other people in my life “and then for some reason, it’s not working with you, “what’s your problem?” And then the ESFP ends up accusing the INFJ of being selfish or sexually broken which destroys the INFJ ego through Se inferior and it actually creates hatred in the INFJ towards the ESFP to the point where the INFJ will elect themselves judge, jury and executioner and actually seek out to destroy the ESFP and their reputation whenever possible. It’s like having two painters in the room with no canvases and each painter has paint brushes and they’re trying to use the other person as the canvas. You think that’s going to be a good sexual experience. Guys, when you’re having sex, you need to have somebody who is a canvas, and you need to have someone who’s a painter. The painter is an extroverted sensor. The canvas is an introverted sensor so that the painter can paint on the canvas. That’s how it works. Well, you have two painters in this situation. And it just leads to nothing more than at least nothing more than total chaos. It’s an absolute waste of time. Do not get in a relationship with an INFJ or an ESFP. And by the way, if you’re an ESFP, or you’re an INFJ And you think that the person that you are with is an ESFP or an INFJ, etc. Don’t assume that, verify their types first before like planning a breakup etc. Verify it because there’s a chance they may actually be an ENFP. Or there’s a chance of maybe an ISFJ, you might find yourself in a golden pair and the grass is not greener elsewhere. So just be aware that it could be a risk. Make sure you verify your types. If you need help with verification, go to csjoseph.life/typegrid, or wait for our personality assessment, which is due to release on June 1st of this year. So that you can help verify your type using the proper tools to do so. So anyway, folks, that’s would an INFJ and an ENFP make a good couple? Hell no, and stay away from that like the plague. Please, please do that. Anyway, if you would like a chance of your question being answered in this channel, please post it on Quora and tag me or leave it as a comment below. If you want a guaranteed answer for your question, become a silver member at csjoseph.life/members and post your question on a private Q&A discord channel because we have Q&A questions stored up there. And I’ll be answering all those questions during a private live stream each month. Please also make sure to like and subscribe to the channel and leave a comment if you have any questions below. And any way folks, all that being said, I’ll see you guys tonight.