Season 1, Episode 1 Transcript
The venerated “door slam”. It’s a form of ghosting in my mind, rather than the standard view of being fully synonymous with it. Perhaps it’s a question of intensity, but a door slam is sudden, hard, absolute, and final, whereas ghosting seems softer and less final. Ghosting seems to leave open the possibility of a return or haunting. Door slams are more emphatic and permanent. Regardless, both tend to occur without the knowledge of the one being slammed or ghosted, and both inflict emotional pain and hurt. Perhaps that part of it. Hmmm.
Every type has its preferred means of protecting vulnerabilities, and INFJs are not the only type to utilize the door slam for this purpose, but they are the most likely to do so. Make no mistake, the door slam is reflective of INFJ desperation and self-preservation. It can be targeted toward a single individual or situation, or it can be extreme and all-encompassing against life itself.
So why are INFJs prone to this type of behavior? It is rude, cold, and unforgiving – all things in antithesis to what INFJs typically stand for. The answer, of course, lies in their cognitive stack. They lead their lives with Introverted Intuition (Ni) meaning that they perceive life conceptually with a laser focus on their own future. This means having freedom to do what they want when they want in pursuit of their destiny. Fortunately, in maturity this drive (selfishness?) becomes tempered by Extraverted Feeling (Fe), essentially a sense of responsibility for the well-being of others. Effectively, their future or purpose becomes centered around improving others.
Noble enough, but caveats do exist. To what degree is their willingness to help another also a covert contract to have their own needs met? And why do they suffer from performance anxiety if it is not so important for them to find loyalty and avoid rejection? Yes, they are strong in empathy, but they go further becoming mirrors of those around them. Mirrors in order to help them know what they want for their own futures, but mirrors also to win the acceptance of others, and that can cause their own rise or fall.
Their predisposition to be highly self-critical and doubtful of their worth cruelly places them with people and in situations which can reinforce those perceptions. Jesus Christ, an INFJ, also willingly, and to the dismay of all those around him, interacted with the poor, the sinful, and the “dregs” of society. INFJs do this typically, but the difference is that Jesus had the strength of self-knowledge and eternal purpose, as well as the willpower, not to lose himself in it. INFJs must work to develop these attributes, often for a lifetime.
Then the door slam…. When an INFJ takes stock of his/her life in the context of where they are vs where they want to be (and know they could be), and sees the contrast, the, like Jesus, can summon the willpower to change and get back on track. It is when the INFJ sees the people and situation around him/her as fully preventative of an ability to make the changes necessary, that the door slam occurs. Purge the past! The future begins now!
I have heard on occasion individuals nonchalantly say something like, ‘Well, I’ll just door-slam you/her/him.’ This is surely the mark of immaturity and/or ignorance. This is highly manipulative and begs the question as to whether the individual is truly an INFJ. The INFJ need only invoke the door slam as the last resort to extricate himself/herself from an undesired fate, and one that may be worse than death.
Understand from the INFJ standpoint, it’s all or nothing. Freedom (and by extension one’s future) has been lost. It is desperation to eliminate the desolation within. Ironically, the INFJ can see it as the least painful resolution to the problem for everyone, when in fact it is quite painful to all. Nevertheless, it is the preferred solution when all else has failed.