Welcome to the INFJ Coffeehouse! | CS Joseph Coach Jay


CS Joseph Coach Jay welcomes you to the INFJ coffeehouse.


Good morning, everyone. Welcome to this CSJ podcast. I’m your host, Coach Jay. And it’s been a while since we’ve had some videos.

musings of an INFJ. And actually, this is the, what I like to think of as the next evolution. In that series, I’m going to rename it. I’m going to call it INFJ coffee house and talk about a lot of different things during this podcast.

And most of that, the inspiration for the content will come from Quora, where I spend a lot of time on Quora is a little bit more intellectual, let’s say, relatively speaking, everything’s relevant. But it does seem to have more people on there who are genuinely interested in, you know, a given topic and want to learn and ask, you know, more sincere questions, at least that’s what I found. Not in every case, but as a whole seems to be that way. And in in the in the vein of coffee house, which is typically a you know, kind of a type of music.

And I love music. I’ve been listening to a little this morning. And so this morning, musical inspiration comes from Brandy Carlisle, and her tune hiding my heart. So for what’s that, for what that’s worth, you’d like to listen to some brandy Carlisle, check it out the favorite of mine.

Anyway, so what’s happened since musings In my last episode there? Well, several things it’s been. It’s been quite a quite a while longer than I care to admit, a lot of things have happened. For one, I left my job at the bank where I’d worked for 29 years. It was a difficult decision in some ways, it was easy and others brought about by change and acquisition.

And it was my time I just knew that it was my time. And so I took the opportunity had little savings, and decided to take a sabbatical. Take some time, I actually took two and a half weeks, got an SUV took two and a half weeks and traveled many parts of the country as far north as Cleveland, Ohio, as far west as Santa Fe, New Mexico, and would love to do something like that again, wait till the weather warms up. I had planned to go to North and South Dakota, Minnesota.

And points west, but you don’t do that middle of winter. I hadn’t thought about that too much. Anyway. So there was that.

Some other things. I had to put a hard stop on a relationship. Doorslammer and I’m still well I say I’m still not really it took me a long time to actually pull the trigger should have done it several years ago. I don’t know.

Maybe it’s just because I’m older and have more experience. door slamming is hard. But nevertheless, it was required and it was you know, an act of really self preservation and what I wanted for my own future and had to be done. Maybe we’ll talk about that another time.

Now, the thing that happened was I lost my mother. And I was thinking earlier about as I was preparing this for this podcast. I was thinking about a musings video where she was a topic of it. She was an ISFJ.

And you know, I don’t think I’ve fully come to terms with her passing yet, even though it’s been she she passed on Father’s Day, ironically enough. Yeah, maybe that’s some to talk about in the context of another lecture or another mouth podcast. I don’t know how much lecturing I actually do. Anyway, so a lots happened.

One of the things that’s happened on a happier note, and one that I’m very grateful for, is the, just the number of great coaching sessions that I’ve been able to have with, with many of you, many members of the CSJ community, especially over the last couple of months, we, we grant a holiday special, got some special pricing, approved and implemented for coaching, and many of you took advantage of that. And I, you know, I personally was thrilled because it gave me a chance to meet so many of you, and just get to know you. And, and many of you from all over the world, not just in the US, and which I’m especially thankful for. But back to this, back to this INFJ coffee house.

So this is what we’re going to do going forward. You know, Fe parent has missed this format, as the inferior not so much. It’s not my favorite. But we’re gonna go, we’re going to do another another season here, and see how it goes.

So we’re gonna spend time, I think my main inspiration is going to be answering core questions. But certainly, and those questions are my choice. And certainly, if any of you have questions that you want to direct to me specifically put them in the comments here, and, you know, I might be a little picky choosy on those, but but again, they’ll serve as some inspiration. So I might, what I probably will do is take those and make them you know, put them in a broader context.

So they have application to a larger audience, probably what I’ll do, we’ll see. But certainly, if there’s something you’d like me to talk about, I’d like this to be a little more interactive, kind of like a coffee house where people, you know, call in and maybe request certain tunes or something like that. So, today’s question, we’ll get into it. Let’s see, where is it? There it is.

Alright, so a couple I’m going to make a couple of points about this. But the original question, okay, the original question, why do INFJ INFJ people not make a move? Even when they know you are into them? So this is a relationship question, obviously. Why do INFJ people not make a move, even when you know, even when they know you are into them? So I wrote my response. This has probably been actually a week ago.

And I’ll tell you what my response was. I mean, it’s very simple. I mean, and I haven’t probably anybody here good as are answered it. But I just I just wrote, you know, it’s a bit complex.

Certainly nothing mysterious. I always put that in there when I’m talking about INFJs because especially outside CSJ community, people. So many people think of AI and INFJs as mysterious or introverted intuition as mysterious and unknowable. And, and you know, and it’s just a bunch of hogwash.

I mean, frankly, but anyway, nothing mysterious. And you need to look no further than cognitive cognitive functions, cognitive dynamics, you know, number one. Well, first of all, y’all look at an AI hero, right? If if an INFJ doesn’t see you as part of their future, or if they don’t, or if they see you as somehow inhibiting where they want to go in their life or something along those lines. They’re not you know, it doesn’t matter that you’re into Are they probably not going to want to pursue you out of out of wanting to protect their own choices, you know, so take that for what it is it is.

And so but that is one consideration. Another one is course INFJs fear rejection. But it’s actually a little deeper than that. And it’s of course, we we’ve already talked about extroverted sensing inferior, meaning, you know, they’re not they fear that they’re going to give you a bad experience, or they’re not going to make you feel comfortable or that if you get to know them, that you will learn something about them that you don’t really like, you know, a little bit of impostor syndrome, they’re right.

Then you they’ve got of course, extroverted intuition nemesis. If you’re into them, they may wonder about your intentions. I mean, if you’re too if you’re too into them, if you call them too much, text them too much. If you’re overly trying to make them feel good.

By the things, you say, what would be a good example, Oh, you’re so good at this and, and you’re you’re such a good person, and you’re so honest, and this kind of thing. Okay, little that goes a long way, you get too much of that they’re gonna stop start to mistrust you. They will think that you’ve got an agenda. So go light on that would be my experience.

And my, my suggestion. Yeah, if you’re going to do that, give them a little bit of criticism to you give them criticism, as well as the appreciation or the kind words, they’re much more likely, in my view, okay. Much more likely to trust you. But if you go, you go too overboard, and doesn’t take much with the with the kind words in and whatnot, you could open yourself up to their suspicion as to is this person being sincere? So it is, you know, because we’re also dealing with FYI, critic.

And, you know, they already think they’re a bad person. And that feeds into, of course. Why are you saying all these good things about because I don’t believe in myself, so they can’t be true. That idea, so a lot of you get it? You know, many of you, hopefully, most of you haven’t been part of CSJ community for a while you understand these dynamics? And then of course, so the, the, so we’re going to start we’re going to hold off at this point.

I added a little bit to the answer. We’re gonna get to that in a second here. But at this point, I want to mention a woman by the name of Emily and it’s not her real name trying to protect her. I don’t know why.

But anyway, so she, she responded. She actually responded me and her response was, it’s extrovert, not extrovert, and you are wrong. Period. Literally, that’s what she said.

And so So, you know, I saw that actually saw it this morning. And I so it was, it’s written in emphasis. And it’s okay, Russia is about to invade Ukraine. There is so much social disharmony in the US around the world these days.

Nobody seems to be able to get along with each other we’re so quick to accuse each other everything and you’re gonna get on me because I said extrovert instead of extrovert. Even when both are acceptable, and my preference is extrovert and that’s a you have to make a big deal that and then you say and URL, period. Tell me why I’m wrong. This is what I told her.

I wrote back so Okay, fine. extrovert extrovert. You know, tomato tomahto I don’t care. extrovert is my preference.

And but at least tell him Why I’m wrong? I mean, that’s such a cop out. You are on period. What you don’t have you? You don’t like what I say? And that’s your answer. You just don’t like it, even though you don’t have any intellectual reason to tell me why.

So I put it back in her court. Tell me why. I’ve yet to hear from her. We’ll see.

So we’ll see. The other the other. The other thing though, about this that I wanted to mention was ni hero specifically, it’s not so much related to this question, although it is, in some ways is that? I don’t think and please tell me if I’m wrong. I want to know.

I don’t think that people understand well, a lot of people don’t understand Introverted Intuition granted, and like I said earlier, they want to make it some mysterious, unknowable thing. Other worldly fantastical thing? It’s not, it’s really not. Um and without going in, but what I do want to say without going into the definition, which again, I think most most people on the podcast know is that what I will agree with is that it’s probably not really understood. From a practical application standpoint, especially by people who have been our hero.

INTJ is INFJs. And what I mean by that, I don’t know again, correct me. But and I hero, introverts the introverted and I, in the hero slot. These are true introverts.

INFJ is INTJ, it’s still have to initiate. Right? Because an AI is future oriented. It’s about what the individual wants. So by definition, it has to initiate.

And what I’ve also noticed, is, you know, interesting interaction with people. And it’s just something I’ve noticed more recently as I thought about it, and talk to Jace about it, is that extroverts defer to an AI hero. You know, you think about extroverts as being initiating. But when it comes to interaction, within a hero, at least in my experience, they differ.

And I and you know, I want to be wanted as much as the next guy. What I, what I failed to see, or realize, is it people want that ni hero? I just don’t see it, I don’t cry, or I fail to accept it. Maybe. And maybe again, it’s back to this original question, you know? What was it? What was it here? Why do INFJ people not make a move? I don’t think they know.

I don’t think they realize that you’re into them and they were afraid for all the reasons that I mentioned. But with Te especially for the INFJ te trickster they may not know what you’re thinking. They may not know that you want them they don’t see the attraction. That’s there for ni hero and yeah, it’s something to be it’s it’s something to look and verify.

verify for yourself. You know, maybe I’m off base maybe. But the point is, it’s there. People are attracted to ni hero And so for those of you INTJ is INFJs be aware of that take advantage of it.

But I don’t know sometimes I just don’t want to don’t know, it’s a bit of a burden to be introverted, but yet to really be the one who needs to initiate, especially in relationships. So think about it, let me know, your thoughts. Something I’ve been thinking about obviously, as I’m looking to do some new things in life, second career, I gotta go out and look for that something relationship wise, and this time hoping to, you know, avoid some of the things that I dealt with in in this relationship that I had to end. Anyway, it’s good to be back.

We’re gonna try to do some more of these. And, again, please let me know your questions, comments below. And, again, thank you to those who took advantage of the coaching. It’s one of the best things for me, one of the most enjoyable things that that I get to do at CSJ.

I’m grateful for that. And so yeah, sign up for some coaching. All righty, everyone, have a good day. And until next time, we’ll see you later.



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