how can you help an infj through their tough times as a close friend?
By and large, INFJs have very few close friends. To be their friend means that they trust you, enjoy sharing experiences with you, and find meaning and direction for themselves through you. While these may be qualities of any friendship, with INFJs it’s more intense, emotional, and exclusive. They are true introverts after all, despite being the most extraverted among them.
Before you can help an INFJ, you first must understand what troubles them. Typically, they will not seek help for themselves until they have exhausted all effort on their own and find themselves at an impasse. If you initiate a conversation to ask what has them down, expect a rebuff or minimalization in your first attempts. Respect their response but be persistent. Remember they are hesitant to share themselves, even to a close friend, until they feel confident that you will not reject them.
Why the fear of rejection? Why the attitude of going it alone rather than seeking help? INFJs at their core believe they are bad people and unworthy of anything good. They are unforgiving of themselves in spite of their ability to forgive others. Many even believe that if anyone gets to know the “real” them, ridicule and abandonment will surely follow. Know that it’s their “special” form of perfectionism, hypocrisy, and pride. Like everyone else, they must come to terms with their imperfections in order to realize their full potential.
As far as the source of their pain, it may be any number of things. It could arise from a need to be understood or listened to. It could be a fear of incompetency, or of failing to live up to certain standards. They may have lost themselves by associating with broken individuals thinking they could help them only to find themselves mirroring them. They may have become emotionally and spiritually linked to a toxic individual or belief system and unable to extricate themselves. Regardless, self-doubt and worry about the impact on others, even in abusive situations, complicates resolution.
Helping them requires that you listen to them, reason with them, reassure them, and above all be truthful with them. They absolutely want and need honest criticism and advice. In fact, if you don’t offer some criticism, they won’t take you seriously. Challenge them intellectually. Confront them with facts. Don’t minimize, sugarcoat, or be overly complimentary. INFJs want to improve, not just feel good.
INFJs want to see the potential in themselves that they so readily see in others, so give them ideas, provide them with choices, and show them opportunities. They are built to help others become better people. Help them find that place now and for the future. Help them aspire to a vision they make their own.
Thanks CS Joseph. This is beautifully written. I’m as ESTP who very often lives in my INFJ subconscious. This hit home real nice for me. Challenge me. Help me see alternatives. When life gets real hard or confusing, my ability to see options and paths forward are definitely limited.
Thanks again.
I am an INFJ. It really does help to see how my personality type is actually understood by some people!
Love this so much
Hello Chase. Your advice is much appreciated. I have come to INFJ material late in life, and it all adds up now. I enjoy your YouTube explanations, and you do us a great service with the depth of your research.
Thank you for the article! I am an INFJ…and I JUST would love to have a friend that would actually care enough to want to read this article. But i dont. I am in so much pain right now. I have never ever needing another person to work through all my tough times of the past, though there were many. This one is a douzie lol…and the words of the article hit the nail on the head so hard…which had me taken a bit aback, wondering who’s been reading my mail. Even now recently knowing I am an INFJ, it still freaks me out that I am not the only one with these machinations. Every word was so intimately true about this article but most especially:,
They may have lost themselves by associating with broken individuals thinking they could help them only to find themselves mirroring them. They may have become emotionally and spiritually linked to a toxic individual or belief system and unable to extricate themselves.
Thats me. Right now…I have extricated myself. But all the steps from there feel so uphill. And hard. And lonely. I feel incredibly ashamed without all the details and though married and surrounded with family have no a soul to work it all out with. Prayer has always been my go to, but somehow the fact this person was a spiritual person I put on a pedestal has me shying away from completely letting God’s words of wisdom bring healing. They are helping…but I just feel really alone. Thanks for writing this. I somehow feel validated going through the motions of healing by reading it. If you never knew how appreciating these emails were…now you know👍🤝
Thank you Jay for the article. It helped me understand INFJs needs better.
Spot on Jay.
Hey there! I feel you completely. I guess you are lonelier than me because of the effort you have put into your comment. I love to see our type knowing themselves and rising above their loneliness, feelings of worthlessness, etc. Just wanted to say that if you liked to talk to another INFJ, I’m gladly and willingfully here for you. Regardless, thanks for existing on this planet. That really means a lot. That’s inspirational for me at least. Keep up the hope…!