Welcome to the CS Joseph podcast. I’m your host, CS Joseph. And thank you for the acolyte questions, guys. It’s just been really fantastic.
And we’re gonna be doing another acolyte question for today’s episode. And let’s get down to it. Hey Chase, how can I cheer up my dad who is an ENFJ as an INFJ, every time there’s a problem, we fall into the sadness together and no one can cheer the other up. I think it’s what you call the FE loop.
So how can one of the FE users practically break this loop? Okay, so the answer specifically is cognitive emulation, you basically have to pretend that you have values and feelings, you as an INFJ have to get to the point where you are ignoring your own feelings of uselessness, and worthlessness. And you can never self deprecate in front of your father. In fact, you have to treat your ENFJ dad, as if you are more important than he is, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you are smarter than he is. Because that would actually just end up hurting his feelings and make everything worse, you have to just kind of when you’re around him, pretend to be an airhead, pretend to be stupid, pretend you don’t have to lie, basically.
But then at the same time, you have to pretend you’re more important than he is. And that sounds really effed up. But this is the actual truth, you have to pretend like you are a more important person, you are a VIP in life, and you are way more VIP than he is. Because if you can’t even do that, it doesn’t matter what you do it, it would be impossible to basically cheer him up in any particular situation until you start treating yourself as more important and the number one priority around your dad.
Honestly, this is gonna sound really effed up again, pretend to be entitled, around your dad, basically, as entitled as an ENFP would be basically. And then and then Humble yourself to the point where you can actually let go of your TI child god complex if you have one, and let go of your guilt, and actually ask your father for help. And then when he helps you praise him for it. Okay, that is how you will cheer him up the easiest and the fastest, ask him for help, and then praise him for it.
Now, here’s the problem with asking an ENFJ for help. They think they know the answer, but they may not actually know the answer. So they help you may receive there’s a risk that because ti inferior is present, the quality of help is not actually going to be that great. So you’re going to have to suck it up.
And you know, if if the direction that he helps you doesn’t actually help you that much. Well, you know, there’s, there’s some issues there. Like, you have to you have to like so whatever situation ask for help with don’t expect much. You remember, the goal is about him feeling better, right? It’s about him being cheered up.
So you may not get the help that you’re looking for. But just asking for help, and then be like, oh, yeah, thanks, Dad for doing that. Thank you as a child, even though under your breath, like, wow, this sucks. But again, it’s about cheering him up, right? It’s not actually about like the help that he’s offering you or the help that you’re asking.
Right? So the thing is, is that you’ll find that afterwards, he still is cheered up, but you’re still going to feel sad anyway. So like, you know, you say every time there’s a problem, we fall into sadness together. Yeah, it is the FE loop and you guys are mirroring each other constantly. So you have to pretend to not be the mirror, you have to pretend to be the rock basically, that he stands on, you have to pretend to be, you have to pretend to be that thing that he’s mirroring basically, the thing is, is that it’s not going to bring you happiness, you and your NFJ father are not going to have shared happiness as a result, it’s just not going to happen.
So yeah, you will succeed in sharing him up that that does that does not guarantee you’re going to be happy though. It doesn’t, it doesn’t, it’s not going to guarantee that you are going to be cheery, but you’re going to have to look like you are you’re gonna have to pretend like you are because it’s Fe hero and it’s as a child combined together and there’ll be and he’ll be able to detect whether or not you’re actually cheery or not, or just you know, managing him emotionally, etcetera, which then would cause him to hate you. So this could actually backfire in your face and blow up if you’re not careful. Okay? So, please understand, that’s not really a good thing.
And this is very risky, but you know, it may be necessary. The other thing I would suggest is get away from your father. Go find if you’re an INFJ go find yourself a philosopher man, and then bring your philosopher man around your ENFJ fathers so that your ENFJ father is just more happy with your man than you, basically. But then at least he’s cheered up.
And then you don’t have to deal with the FE loop anymore because you have a man between you and your father, as it should be anyway, right. So please consider that as something, you know, as a way of doing something. But you know, it’s so the ENFJ deadly sin is pride too, and their ti can be insanely prideful. So you’re gonna have to like walk around that and walk on eggshells around their ti inferior.
And if you have as an INFJ of TI child, God Complex, that means your relationship would always be horrible. So you’re going out to spend extra care, humbling yourself and making sure that you’re going out of your way to avoid that. It’s a lot of work. It’s a lot of work.
Now, if I was in your shoes, I’d get away from your father. And I’d go, I’d go marry a man or marry into a different family, and this just move away. And then anytime you have interactions with your dad, I would just have your husband with you, when that went down, that would literally solve all of the issues here. And then you also need to stop feeling responsible and stop feeling guilty for how your dad feels.
This is something that I consistently see with ENFJ parents, especially ENFJ single parents. Like for example, I’m coaching an ENFJ woman right now who has a teenage daughter, and that’s all she has, she has nothing else no family, nothing, nobody else. But she’s like insanely stifling towards this, this daughter of hers, and she doesn’t even know it. And it’s just because this ENFJ woman, this mother is very, very needy, right? And she’s she’s not even allowing herself to go on the dating market.
And she really, really should she really actually should go participate in the sexual marketplace, it would be so much better for her to do this, instead of just being the smothering force around her mother on a consistent basis. And hopefully, that is not what is happening with this person who asked this question. I hope that’s not the case. But if you are an ENFJ, recognize the truth, you can’t rely on your children for your own sense of emotional stability, it can’t happen.
What you end up having to do instead is that you need to have other people that are not your children, that can be like this emotional support structure for you. Likewise, for the INFJ person who asked this question, I would say the same thing to you, your dad is not an emotional support structure. And you need to admit to yourself that you are not ever going to be an emotional support structure for your father, either. This is why it is wiser for parents to have many more children, instead of just genetically replacing themselves and only having one child, per parent, I am completely against that.
I strongly suggest that parents have a minimum of at least three children because of how psychological type works. And of course, you know, in the old days, sometimes people would have anywhere from seven to 15 children, or even way more than that, who knows, but at least they’d have a lot of psychological variety, so that every person, every member within the specific family was able to get their mental needs met. So my recommendation is abandon this enterprise entirely. Stop trying to cheer your father up, and instead, put a man between you and your father and ultimately get away from him.
That way, you’re no longer enabling him. Okay. Another recommendation I would make is you need to read the book codependent no more. And the I think Melody Beatty wrote that I think so.
And they also need to read the book. Boundaries, okay. And read those books right away. You could actually be Oh, and also when helping hurts you, maybe that’s melody B’s book.
You could actually be harming your father by actually trying to cheer him up. Okay, so please, please be very careful. Like, I only recommend people do cognitive emulation when there is no other choice because it can absolutely backfire. Okay, and you’re basically you’re kind of being fake.
If you think about it. If you don’t want to be that person, then you need to change your circumstances. Move on. Get away from your father stop enabling him.
He needs to get his own emotional support structure. His is not his child’s responsibility. And if you think it is your responsibility, that is your TI child being arrogant and conceited. Okay, that is a form of TI child god complex.
And you just need to let go, including let go of your guilt. Stop feeling guilty. Stop feeling like it’s your responsibility. It’s not actually responsibility.
And if you think it is, guess what? You are being entitled as an INFJ. That is ENFP shadow entitlement. Stop doing it. Okay.
I’m not saying that that’s what’s happening specifically with the person who asked this question. I’m not saying that I’m saying that the risk exists for any INFJ, who was in this situation with any relationship with an immediate family member that they are not in a sexual relationship with? Okay, that applies. All right. So, anyway, I really hope this actually answered the question, because it’s kind of a complex question.
It has a lot of different layers to it, but I really hope that actually got across what it needed to and hopefully your life will improve as a result. But regardless, thank you for asking this question, because I enjoyed its complexity and keep them coming, folks. It’s been fantastic. So anyway, thanks for watching, and I’ll see you guys tonight.