How Can an ISTP improve their relationship with an INFP? | CS Joseph Responds
CS Joseph Responds to the Acolyte question how can an ISTP improve their relationship with an INFP?
Welcome to the CS Joseph podcast. I’m your host, CS Joseph. And today’s question comes from an ISTP woman in relation to or in reference to an INFP. Man, and they are in a sexual relationship.
And it’s basically hey, what can we do to make the relationship better, given the fact that we are in a long term, long distance relationship? So, yeah, that can be really challenging. But especially since this particular relationship is a relationship based on refinement is a refinement relationship. Because they are in a, they are super egos. Now that’s assuming.
And I know, I know, the woman who’s asking this question is definitely an ISTP. I don’t know if the man involved is an INFP. But we’re going to assume he is assuming he really is an INFP. Because I haven’t met the guy.
But assuming that he is an INFP. It’s a little bit difficult because they’re in a super ego relationship, they’re having a sexual relationship in a super ego situation, which means it is a relationship based on refinement, which means both of these two types are consistently going out of their way to improve each other on a regular basis. And the first thing right out the gate, when you’re in a refinement relationship, the very first thing that you need to do is actually admit that you yourself need improvement. Yeah, I know, that sucks, don’t it? Most people don’t even have the self awareness to do something like that.
Most people don’t even have the capability to do something like that. But that’s why it’s really, really important that when you’re dealing with your super ego, you go out of your way to take responsibility, personal responsibility for your actions, kind of like Like, like, like overdo it even take responsibility. It’s not about saying, Sorry, it’s not about saying, Yeah, my bad, it’s more about you just admitting, yeah, I have a problem. And then listening to the other person’s advice on how you can fix that problem, and then actually go out of your way to do that.
That’s very important. It’s also super important, like same thing in the Kindred relationship, which if they’re in akin kindred relationship, this would be ISTP with an intp, or an INFP. With an ISFP. That’s a kindred relationship, you kind of start to do the same thing.
But the difference is, is that it’s especially important in a refinement relationship, because it is the purpose of the refinement relationship, to make each other better people. And oftentimes, the problem with the refinement relationship is that they just look at each other and see the other person as a very childish. The thing is, though, is that usually people in refinement relationship, they’re the people who really lacked joy in their life, or at least had a really tough childhood. And they never got the opportunity for their child function to either have all the freedom that it wanted or do the things that it wanted to do as little kids.
And that’s how people get into refinement relationships, because they’re trying to re explore each other’s childhoods with the other person, they’re trying to recreate a childhood experience, basically, within the context of their sexual relationship, but also recreate the aspects of childhood such as having a parent to parent their own child function. And that’s why both these types and never finding each other because they’re looking at each other. It’s like, okay, hey, there’s a problem there. Okay, hey, you’re being really childish right? Now.
The thing is, is that while some people in the super ego relationship, aka refinement relationship, end up, like having problems with each other, because it’s like, oh, you treat me like a child, you know, it’s like, the thing is, is that they secretly kind of want that, too. It’s, it’s because sometimes you have those people who are given way too much freedom as as as a child, and then because of that, they never got that attention that they were looking for from their parent. They never got punished, or they never were held accountable for anything. So people who lack accountability in their lives go for this relationship so they can gain as much accountability as possible, because the lack of accountability in the life has turned accountability to a form of sexiness.
Accountability is sexy, basically, within a refinement relationship. And that’s what these two people are dealing with right now. So the question is, let’s actually go more in depth the question is a bit of a long one. What can a 55 year old male INFP whose FYI is easily and frequently triggered and a 40 year old? If Female ISTP who’s F E and I are burning out for him to do to say their romantic relationship attorney thriving relationship.
Note that it’s long distance. So physical touch is only possible few days per month for now. Well, first of all, you guys need to have sex probably every day, if you need to get your life in order where you can have sexual contact on a daily basis, at a minimum, because the way that you guys are going right now is probably going to fail. So you need to have sex way more often.
And get that going as soon as possible. Because that’s like a default. That’s like a basic foundational thing. And don’t forget, folks, all sexual relationships, all romantic relationships, if you’re not having sex, then it’s not a relationship.
Sorry. Like, that’s just the reality. I don’t care how many emotional fairies you’re having, I don’t care how many long distance relationships you’re in. If you’re not having sex, it’s not really a relationship, I just don’t care.
So you might want to fix that. Other than that, like. The thing is, though, is that the ISTP, in this situation needs to realize that the INFP has got 15 years of additional suffering stored up in their Si, of course, they’re frequently triggered, because they’ve had to deal with way more crap than you have. And you need to stop projecting your SI critic on to him, Oh, it’s it’s not that bad.
Actually, it really is that bad to an INFP. And you need to go out of your way to respect that. And yeah, you can try to improve and try to teach this man like, Okay, how we can deal with some of those things. Or maybe he just kind of wants to be left alone and have his own space, you need to be respectful of that space.
And then while at the same time, go out of your way to ask him his opinion, on maybe even what he’s dealing with. That’s my problem with like, a lot of se users, especially se optimistic like se hero and se child. When it comes to dealing with NPS in your life, you folks just like you think you’re going out of your way you think you’re doing a good job perform, you think you’re like really aware of what’s actually going on with your NP, but you’re really actually not. And it’s really the SE parents in the SE inferiors that really actually understand what’s going on with NPS, the rest of you don’t.
And luckily, in this situation, there is an SE parents here, who because of its pessimism of its pessimism, can actually really figure out what’s going on with this NP because the NP is just going to create a guessing game. So and hoping that the ISTP is smart enough to actually figure out what’s going on, because that proves to the NP that they are actually wanted to enough for the SP to keep trying to figure out what’s actually wrong with them. But if the ISTP in this particular situation has underdeveloped se parent, and is not actually aware or are not really observing the INFP well enough, that’d be a problem. And given that it’s long distance, and they’re not able to have sex on a regular basis.
That’s also really bad. Because again, the SE parent needs to be in the physical presence of the INFP, to observe the INFP on a regular basis, in order to properly diagnose what’s going on with the INFP to keep the INFP feeling wanted and desired, right? Again, you guys need to get to a point where you’re just around each other every day, and figure that out. Soon, very, very soon. Not only that, it’s probably very overwhelming for this INFP given that the ISTP in question has an ESTP son, and he’s basically having to deal with two STPs at the same time.
Wow. You know, so that, that could also potentially be an issue in this particular instance. So like, really, it just comes down to the ISTPs ability to actually figure out what’s actually going on? Because why should the INFP have to reveal everything that’s going on with him all the time? Yes, the ICP can ask questions. But really what the TE inferior and the N E parent expect from the ISTP is like, hey, you know, you should want me enough to actually bother trying to figure out what’s wrong with me, instead of requiring me to spell it out for you.
Every NP does this. It’s extremely frustrating to se users when it happens, because they just really want people just say, hey, what’s actually going on with me? And that’s the thing like at least you know, some MPs. You know, when MPs are at least subconscious focus, they’re usually more aware of what’s going on with them, especially NFPs. And they can actually share that information.
The thing is, is that if they’re SP that they’re in a relationship with gets used to them sharing all the time, eventually that NFP is going to feel unwanted in the long run because the NFP needs proof that the N I have their lover care wants them enough to actually keep trying to figure out what’s wrong with them, and that they actually have and that their se user has enough attention span to actually pay attention and observe what the NP is actually doing. But again, you guys are long distance and not around each other. So guess what the ISTP in this particular situation, she is being set up for failure, because she’s not around him enough to actually observe him and get all of that data necessary in her investigation as to what’s actually triggering him or bothering him. Because he can’t expect an INFP to ever share that with you ever.
Eventually, they do when they’re more comfortable with you, but in the beginning of a relationship like this, that comfort is not really going to be there. It has to be built, but it can’t be built if you’re not spending enough time around him. Okay? And that’s the issue. So literally, you both need to focus on quality time, if you get that quality time and all of these problems will eventually go away.
Okay, it’s that simple. That is the answer to this particular question. So anyway, folks, thanks for watching hopefully it answered the question and everyone’s happy with this result. I’m CS Joseph signing off.
See you guys tonight you can cave you