How can an INFP improve her relationship with her ESTJ Father? | CS Joseph Responds
How can an INFP improve her relationship with her ESTJ Father? | CS Joseph Responds
Welcome to the CS Joseph podcast. I’m your host CS Joseph. And today we are answering questions from our acolyte members at the acolyte member tier. Acolyte folks are the second level of our membership, our first level is journeyman than we have acolyte and acolyte folks get to email me a question once a month, where I do a video response, and then the rest of you folks on YouTube or the podcast or anywhere else, get to have the opportunity to check out the answer.
So let’s get on with it. Quote, you have talked about how bad an INFP and ESTJ relationship is, I would like to get some tips on how to solve that issue. My girlfriend is an INFP. And her dad is probably an ESTJ, they have a hard time getting along and communicating.
Do you have any tips on how my INFP girlfriend can have a better relationship with him? I get along so well with him and my girlfriend wants to at least get a little bit closer to him as well. Fair question, and I’m glad the question has been asked. So ESTJ INFP. Relationships are extremely hard, they are extremely difficult because they are polar opposites.
And the reason is, is because within the relationship, they’re both basically competing for status for being the one who’s in the know or who has the connections or has the big Rolodex, their their comforts are also competing. One person is trying to make themselves comfortable, the other person is trying to make themselves comfortable, but they’re not making each other comfortable at all. And this leads to accusations of selfishness or uncaring, etc. Because an extroverted sensor in a relationship because they’re both si users.
And there is no expert sensing in this relationship between ESTJ and INFP. Extroverted sensor doesn’t care about their own comfortable comfort, they care about making others comfortable, which is nice when an SI user is paired up with an SE user, because the SE user gets to do what they want. Whereas the SI user is made comfortable by the SE user, and it ends up creating a very nice synergistic relationship. However, that doesn’t even exist.
There’s not even any social compatibility or sexual compatibility whatsoever. Of course, obviously, that’d be weird, given that we’re talking about an INFP, daughter to Father situation in this question, but I’m still saying what would happen sexually because it would be just terrible. The other thing is, is that they’re competing for who is the most desirable, so they want to be wanted by others. And it will create a lot of envy in this relationship, if one of them sees the other being wanted more.
And that can be a serious problems, they’re constantly competing for the desire of others, and going out of the way to put in a lot of effort to make themselves more desirable. And then eventually, it’ll become out efforting each other, or ultimately out serving each other. So and then eventually, because they’re both philosopher types, they’re gonna end up coming to similar conclusions on how best to serve or serve other people around them, or serve whatever cause that they’re both involved in at the same time. And when that happens, they’re gonna get mad at each other, because it’s like, you took away my opportunity to serve.
And that happens over and over and over within this relationship. So it’s, it’s bad, and also what they value, they’re going to put their own value system over the other. And they’re going to say that my value system is more important than yours, etc. And it’s, it’s, it’s a big issue.
And let’s actually talk about the difference in their value system, because I think that is really important. And I did not exactly have that queued up for this recording. But I’m going to bring it up anyway, because I think it’s very useful for this. And this comes directly from the Bucha test, which is how we use the tight grid within this community.
And I’m pulling up the tooltip that explains a spear and bow and spear and bow is fit. And both these users are F or both these people are fit ES or ES TJ INFP. So spearin, bo, quote, they seek to support their values by weighing any meaningful evidence presented to them, or they seek to collect data and information to examine existing standards to find values worth adopting. So fit users do both of these.
The differences is that if you’re an F fi hero, or an F fi parent, like the INFP, or if you’re a te hero, or te parent, but Te hero like the ES TJ, you’re gonna go about having spearin Bo, aka fit e in a different way. And so the first one is, is that the high FYI user will seek to support their values by weighing any meaningful evidence presented to them, which also basically translates to that’s a nice way of saying but let me say at the mean In a way, the meaner ways this high FYI users like to cherry pick which ideas already fit their values that they’ve already had their value system pre exists and they want to go look at what other people thinking and they’re just going to cherry pick what other people are thinking. And to use that as additional evidence or support for their already pre existing value system, which I find is wrong. I think I don’t I don’t like that FY Hi Fi users do it.
But their point of view is valid. And I should take out my own bias and judgment out of it as well. But that’s not to say that it doesn’t annoy me because it seriously annoys me because it’s like, look, I don’t care. If, if if something doesn’t match your value system maybe should reevaluate your value system, but they won’t they’re they’re less likely to reevaluate their own value system.
And instead, they’re more going to allow themselves to, you know, teach themselves what their itching ears already want to hear. Because they already have their own pre existing value system. They already know what they want to hear if they’re only going to listen to things that they want to hear already. They’re only going to cherry pick ideas that already support what values they already have, which I don’t like I think that’s, that’s horrible.
And it’s one of the reasons like when I’m around ISFPs, for example, I’m constantly criticizing that them and given that they are my Broadspire, they can take that criticism, and they can change. But if I was to tell it to an INFP, not really, they’re just going to tell me I’m arrogant. How dare I, as a teepee elect myself, the person who gets to determine social norms of my own thinking, well, guess what, I am a teepee. And it’s my job.
I am supposed to be determining your social norms for you with my thinking. And I don’t care if that comes off arrogant, because that’s a fact. Welcome to being a teepee. At least I’m not some FJ, who uses pre existing social norms to determine my own thinking, because I don’t want to be a sheep.
You know what I’m saying? So, yeah, because guess what, when FJs get older, they realize that society is completely screwed them and take and completely, like, owned them, kind of like, you know, and how I was watching a CDC video earlier today talking about you know, and I was watching this video, and that 60 minutes and 15 seconds, they said, Oh, yeah, those who took the vaccine earlier are more at risk to getting serious diseases later in life. And I’m like, what? I mean, I guess so much for allowing social norms to determine our own thinking, right? I’m sure that’s really gonna benefit FJ is in their health. And you know, when they grow to be like 40 or 50 years old, they’re absolutely going to hate society for what society has done to them because they allowed their decision making to be determined by social norms. But that’s why these FYI users es TJ and INFP exist to prevent that outcome, but for some reason, intervene, at least the ESTJ in the INFP.
They’re both affiliative. And I don’t know why they’re not helping in that regard. Kind of sucks. So yeah, always verify that way, you don’t get screwed, always verify it’s a big deal.
So moving on, the TI way of it is that they seek to collect data and information to examine existing standards to find values worth adopting. And what that means is that they don’t know what their values are until after they see what the existing standards are they that’s why you see people like Omer Taj, in the Facebook community group, or, or Mr. Thomas beggin constantly putting up these polls or asking these questions like the constant taking a survey. And this is evidence that proves that they are either te hero or te parent.
So if you see people want to put up surveys like that, that’s usually what’s going on about 8020. It’s an 8020 ratio, whereas 20% of the time And FYI hero or an FYI, parent might do that. But 80% of the time, a te hero and a te parent would do that. So always remember, Pareto Principle, when utilizing, you know, typing people with cognitive functions, which you shouldn’t be typing people by cognitive functions, you should actually just be using the Type grid or Bucha to do that for you.
So please keep that in mind. So, now let’s get to his actual question. Do you have any tips on how my INFP girlfriend can have a better relationship with Him? basically do the opposite of what’s the ESTJ would do and what she would do basically, which is really hard, because she’d have to go really deep into her ENFJ shadow. Try to teach the ESTJ something but the problem is, is that they already have a father daughter relationship.
And that’s just not going to work. The ESD Jay is already stuck in his ways. Honestly, I wouldn’t even bother having a better relationship. I think her no longer being a part of that family is ultimately the healthiest thing to go because she’s out on her own and can prove that she is independent and able to be responsible and take care of herself that her father has absolutely no opinion.
It’s really she just has to go out of her way to remove any substantiation behind any opinions that he may have about her and which means she’d have to get out of her comfort zone and actually like live life and be a responsible human being, you know, that that’s what would have to happen. And then the ES TJ is not going to use se critic and criticize her constantly for being lazy, you know that, that can be a serious problem as well. So there’s not really much she actually can do. So it’s not much, because it’s further complicated by the fact that there’s a father daughter relationship here.
Now, if there wasn’t a father daughter relationship here, it’s more of like, they could have a shoulder to shoulder relationship where they could work together towards a common goal or a common call cause or actually have like a teacher student relationship where they would teach each other and improve each other as a result, but in a father daughter relationship, given the fact that his daughter is an aspect of his legacy, and ultimately, his responsibility, especially that as she gets older, that’s just not going to happen. It’s really, really not going to happen. And then when you also consider the fact that, you know, there’s her hypergamy, that you have to keep track of given that she is a woman at the same time, that can also further skew things as well. So the answer really is there’s really not much that she that can be done in this situation, I guess, removing herself from the situation, and spending time away from her father so that I could sense around the time that potentially yours so that she can grow and be your own person so that she’s practically a new person that he hasn’t experienced in a very long time, because she’s grown and changed and come around her dad, and then all of a sudden, everything is like better and improved and amazing.
So yeah, pretty cool. And I think that that would be necessary, so and for some reason, my wife sent me a mind blown emoji by It’s a shark instead. I don’t know why that was relevant to say so. Anyway, folks, thanks for watching, and I’ll see you guys tonight.