8 Rules for loving an ENFJ | Season 27 | CS Joseph
CS Joseph discusses 8 rules for loving an ENFJ.
Hey, what’s up ego hackers, this is Chase to CS Joseph dot life doing another episode for season 27. This is the eight rules for loving NF J’s, and thought it fitting to actually shoot this particular lecture from this spot. Oddly enough, this is the same location that I filmed my very first lecture about NF, j’s and season three, season three who are the NF j’s and I took a long walk and a bit of a travel to come here to this place. So, and it’s kind of interesting to be here again in the middle of the night.
But I felt it very fitting to do so because I don’t know, I’ve been dealing with a lot of drama relating to NF J’s in my life. And I wanted to take a somber moment. And remember all the e Nf J’s that have been there for me who have cared for me who have loved me for many years of my life, and, you know, just haven’t really, either there have been times where I haven’t been there for them or, or maybe I was alienated by them, or I put them in a position or they had to alienate me or, or whatnot, or, but regardless, like, you know, I’m not perfect, I’m not. I’m not the best person out there.
But, you know, I recognize that, you know, sometimes it’s important to take responsibility for one’s actions. And as much as it is important to hold other people accountable. So, but anyway, I wanted to just kind of go down the line of memory lane here, with everyone, especially, especially today, I find it interesting that it’s today of all days that I am filming this particular lecture, because I was I was up till three in the morning last night actually, writing this insanely long letter, I don’t know is like 40, to 50 Paragraph letter to an ENFJ. And basically, I’ve, you know, sharing with them some of my pain and struggles with NF J’s in the past and also simultaneously like telling them to their face, that they’re one of those arrogant people I’ve ever met, and how they just continue to alienate people and just expect people to, you know, behave in a certain way or they get so upset that no one listens to them when they forget, because as I trickster of all the times that they’ve actually, you know, been listened to and then I don’t know that just comes off as so ungrateful or taking people for granted etcetera, but at the end of the day, I think I think you know, regardless it’s, it’s absolutely important to give enough Jays their due, because you know what, they’re, they’re people too, and they’re really precious people, and as much as they are sometimes a pain in the ass.
But I mean, come on, I’m an intp. With se demon. I’m basically a pain in the ass by default, let’s be honest. So, anyway.
So yeah, definitely following this lecture from the exact location that I filmed my very first in after I lecture and bit of a took me a bit to get here, but I think I think it was definitely worth it. So especially given the topic that we’re talking about, which is eight rules for loving e Nf. J’s. So if you’re in a relationship, especially a romantic relationship, or friendship with an ENFJ, or if you have an ENFJ family member, like I do, I have tons of them I have my father in law’s an ENFJ my father is an ENFJ My aunt is an ENFJ.
They’re all over the place. And it’s interesting that the Templar Quadra of all of the quadros is absolutely absolutely dominant my family. I have three STPs in my family, three NF j’s and my family for NF J’s in my family, actually, excuse me. And they basically make up a majority, these Templars.
So it’s kind of interesting as they’re trying to make each and every one of us you know, more righteous and build character in us but each of them has their own struggles with character as well. And you know, but that doesn’t mean that you know, we as fellow human beings lack the responsibility in loving them because you know, as giving as they can be and as covert contracting as they can be. They definitely definitely need to be there to be able to, to show them love appropriately when the time comes so. But yeah, NF J’s.
So remember, folks, they are the structure idealist direct initiating control. And sometimes they use their caring Fe hero for controlling others. That’s not exactly the best situation, let’s be straight. But they’re so outcome focused, you know, and that just kind of, you know, comes with the territory.
And they’re very idealistic. So they’re abstract always thinking about the what F which can be the bane of their existence, because they’re like, Well, what if my partner is cheating on me, you know, and then they jumped to the wrong conclusion and make assumptions. And then there’s also beyond that abstraction, I’m very interest based. They’re aware of what they get out of a situation versus what others get out of, out of a situation, and always seeking that win, win and feel manipulated, when they don’t have a win, win and whatnot.
Who am I going to get greeted by some raccoons? Let’s find out. So also, let’s see. So interest based extractor, also very affiliative, and really, really focused on doing the right thing. And honestly, the affiliative is kind of where they get in trouble.
Oftentimes, I the recent altercations that I’ve had with e Nf J’s is that they’re lording their, their credentials, or their achievements or their accomplishments over other people in an effort to force other people to listen to them against their will. Before I begin NF J’s, I really just want to make a statement to you right now. 06:36 I’m not going to tell you that you’re stupid, but let’s be straight. No one cares if you’re smart, nobody cares.
And as oftentimes as you ENFJ is try to like go out of your way to get people to listen to you. It’s funny, if you’re si trickster, you often forget that people have been listening to you. And because of that, you just end up steamrolling them as if they’re completely incorrect to begin with. And honestly, that’s not fair.
It’s really just not fair to people. And that’s why I’m here to tell people that, you know, that is unfair. And you shouldn’t do that. And you wouldn’t want to do that.
But at the same time, also, I’m going to teach people right now how people can love you and show you love so that you are loved in the way that you need to be loved, so that you don’t think, or believe or feel that you would have to force people to listen to you. If you’re in a situation where you are afraid that you’re not being listened to, or you’re afraid that you’re not intelligent, and whatnot, or you’re afraid that your ideas are not going to be heard. So, anyway, so this, this, this lecture is simultaneously a rebuke, as well as a love letter to the E and F. JS out there, the mentors out there, because I sincerely hope that you folks walk away with this and are able to develop some principles, some moral principles from this lecture, so that you can hold yourselves accountable whilst simultaneously holding your lovers accountable.
Because if your lovers are not doing this for you, well, then they’re not. They’re not loving you. And you can definitely detect if they are or not doing that for you. But don’t forget, it’s also your responsibility, that with this knowledge, that you also are finding out the eight rules for love are for your lovers and partners and friends and family as well.
So just because I’m giving you this information does not give you just some master standard with which you can lord over people with your te demon like you folks often do. But also, it will give you the tools to make sure that you know, you can remain heard, and you still have a voice, but be loved in a way that you need, you know, for once, so So yeah, let’s let’s talk about NF J’s, the virtue and vices benevolence versus their vice cruelty. So the virtue has benevolence, that it’s the most giving and very good people and all about committed building character and other human beings, especially youth, and being great teachers to the rest of us. That sometimes means coordinating care, they take up leadership positions and churches or 501 C three nonprofit organizations and whatnot, as always, because they are committed to doing the right thing.
Thing is, is that oftentimes the E and F J’s have these struggles where they’re not exactly doing the right thing. And what they perceive is the right thing is not actually, you know, the right thing, and that’s one of my biggest issues with them. Because is that oftentimes they have to learn that doing what works is actually more useful and more. It’s just, it’s more efficient and better in every way than actually doing what they perceive was the right thing to do actually, was talking to an E and F.
J. Business Owner recently, who, who had who had asked me to help provide, you know, some, some marketing know how and some website know how for his company and help them get set up in that direction. But he’s always committed to like, you know, you know, I want to do it the most sophisticated way he’d always say, and I always thought that just so interesting and like, dude, no, you don’t make that much money, money, you don’t have very many income, you don’t want, you don’t need to order the super nice chairs or the super nice, you know, curtains, just just just do with what you got, do the best with what you have. And that’s, that’s really the main lesson ENFJ is need to learn is, quote, do the best with what you have, because it’s what you have.
And be grateful for what you have instead of being ungrateful because the more in life that you take for granted, the more people will take you for granted. So let’s go out of our way to stop that by discussing now the first rule for loving enough Drehs. So if you’re in a relationship and intimate relationships, sexual relationship, friendship, or you’re a parent of or are a child of an ENFJ, the first rule for loving e Nf J’s is always tell them how you feel and what you value. And that sounds easy.
But that’s super hard, especially for someone like me, who’s FYI trickster, I can’t do this. And oftentimes, I’m trying to tell them, I think and if you tell an ENFJ, like I think I think I think they automatically perceive that you’re not listening to them, and then their ti inferior gets butthurt. And their te demon comes out. So if you just keep saying the words, I think over and over and over to an ENFJ, they’re automatically going to assume that you’re patronizing them, even though it’s not true, but they just assume it because that’s what they do, they assume things a lot.
I, everyone makes assumptions. But in my experience, the ENFJ is make probably the most assumptions, let’s be honest, any credit just goes crazy sometimes. But but you know from from from that, from that point of view, NF J’s like they just you really have to say the words I feel so if you’re like someone who’s like always saying I think all the time just change your sentence to say the word I feel, or you know, or and then by saying the word I feel they’re, they’re more willing to listen, because they end up believing that you’re talking about what you value in reality is you’re actually just sharing your thoughts with them, but they’re actually more receptive to it. And so it’s important to ENFJ is that you dress things up in a certain way to cause them to, you know, be more receptive to what you’re handling, because they’re super sensitive.
You know, it’s kind of like ESF j’s are also super mega sensitive, because being receptive to a certain, you know, way of communication is super poor. I mean, I remember my father so many times when he wrote his book Making Sense, or making sense of the world, one of the I don’t even remember the title of his book, but he wrote a book and he is basically trying to explain that it is the responsibility of the sender of communication to make sure that the receiver receives the communication is not necessarily the response, the responsibility of the receiver, which I always took issue with, because if you think about it from from a power point of view, the person who has the most power in any interaction is the responder because they have the choice of choosing to respond or not to respond, right. And, and because of that latent power that’s given to the responder, I always took issue with my dad’s claim in that area. But at the end of the day, human beings are judged by their actions and not necessarily judged by their intention.
So technically, at the end of the day, I have to concede that he is correct. But the bottom line is, is that if an ENFJ does not know how you feel about something, if they don’t not, or they don’t see you behaving with a set of principles, they’re gonna have a hard time even liking you, or even being around you, because even their Fe hero is aware that they’re at risk of mirroring you and absorbing your value systems. So honestly, an ENFJ just wants to know what you value so they can give it to you, and you have to be very upfront with them. Now, if you’re an NTP like I am, who either is who is in in relationship with an ENFJ I’m not in relationship with one now I’m married to an ESTP.
But I mean, I used to be in a relationship with him with an ENFJ. Of course, I’ve been in a relationship a sexual relationship with all of the N J’s but you But the point is, is that NF J’s, specifically, you know, if you don’t, if you don’t tell them what you value, then they’re not going to be receptive to you or even listen to you. And instead, this actually causes them to be at risk of becoming very closed minded. And don’t forget the ignorance of Introverted Thinking.
And don’t forget, and don’t worry, I’ll talk about plenty of ignorance of extroverted thinking, actually, I’ve probably already talked about the ignorance of extroverted thinking probably more than I should have on this YouTube channel. The fact of the matter is, is that Introverted Thinking is also just as ignorant as extroverted thinking, reason why is, as I’ve said before, there’s two things that contribute to Introverted Thinking ignorance, and that is having preferred input, which means you only listen to things that you prefer. And that’s basically known as an echo chamber, right? 15:53 You’re you’re a part of an echo chamber, you’re contributing to an echo chamber. And the other thing is, is you’re making decisions based on last known input.
So you’re closing your mind to new input and opinions and research and articles or anything to that nature. And that can cause a problem, right? Well, there’s not much, there’s not really much you can do. You know, in that situation, if an ENFJ is choosing to do that, but to get them to open themselves up to you, and to open up their hearts and open up their minds to actually be willing to listen to you, you have to be very upfront with them about what you value. And if you don’t know what you value, because like, for example, you’re an NTP.
If you don’t really know what you value, you probably might want to at least take the time and write out what you value on paper. When you’re a low fit user like myself, if you spend the time actually writing out what you value. In some capacity, it’s easier to have something in written form for some reason. It’s usually because you know, our shadow types or extroverted sensors and being able to extroverted sense, your Introverted Feeling functions as an NTP to be able to explain that writing things down is necessary to communicate with your ENFJ, especially if you’re in a sexual relationship with them.
And let’s be straight, NF J’s an intp is, for example, are often in sexual relationships, because they are in the pedagogue relationship with each other, and they have highest sexual compatibility. And they teach each other, it’s absolutely necessary for intp is to realize this exercise when being able of writing down what what one values and what how one feels, basically, no matter how dark it is, and sharing that with the ENFJ, because that’s the only way the ENFJ is going to be willing to listen. Otherwise, the ENFJ is just going to accuse you of being controlling and whatnot. So understand that that is super important.
Always share with your ENFJ what you value and how you feel, so that their hearts can be open to you. Because if you open up your heart to them, they will mirror you and open up their heart aka their mind to you open up your heart to them, and they will open their mind to you. And that’s how you can actually cause the ENFJ to change their mind. And it’s very powerful.
So now like Auntie J’s, rule number two is similar. Basically just help them make the wise decision. Nf j’s are just as impulsive as e and t. J’s.
I’ve coached a lot of e Nf J’s, like, for example, ENFJ women, I, gosh, they’re really I mean, a lot of the ones that I’ve coached, they’re into one night stands. And it’s because they just worry about their own self worth that there. And then on top of that worry that they’re not smart enough. And then they’re afraid of abandonment, because they really liked this person, or they really liked this guy, and they want to make a really big impression, they end up sleeping with him on the first night, which puts them at severe risk.
I’m not saying all ENFJ women do that, but I’ve noticed that it is a huge risk amongst them compared to other types of women. So as a result of this, I think it’s very important for you know, ENFJ women to be guided with what you know, the wise choice is. And honestly, it’s important that you go up to an ENFJ regardless of gender, you know, as an in an attempt to love them and give them a choice and always give them a choice but always while you’re giving them the choice present them. Why is choices, right? But you also have to question choices that they’ve made in the past, right? Especially choices that involve you personally, you have to tell them hey, that was a really bad experience for me because you are impulsive.
You have to be willing to hold them accountable. If you don’t hold an ENFJ accountable. How are they ever going to be able to chain to to change for the better? How are they ever going to achieve that, especially with their achievement function is their demon function? How are they going to achieve that the only way that’s going to happen is through accountability. You provide a list of all of the times that they were impulsive to you, or impulsive with you that caused bad results and basically caused you to be unsafe, for example, you know, and there’s a lot of there’s a lot of, you know, examples of, you know, unsafe impulsivity is that NF J’s do like for example, gluttony.
Gluttony is a huge problem. debauchery is a huge problem amongst e Nf J’s I know a lot of NF J’s who are drunks I know a lot of e Nf J’s who are third man whores, basically, you know, and it’s, it’s even really sad because some of them are actually married. And they’re also like in a relationship with their golden pair INFP. Women and men, they’re sleeping with other girls on the side, I actually know ENFJ woman who is married, who is currently sleeping with an ISTJ man on the side right now.
And his and her husband has no clue is no clue about it, you know? And certainly, if I knew his contact information, I’d straight up tell them, you know, that was happening. And no worries, that’s not a coaching client of mine. It’s just something that I’m aware of that’s happening out there. And, and if I knew his contact information, I would let him know how much about how she’s being, you know what I’m saying? Like, it’s just, it’s just ridiculous.
But I have to say that men are like, ENFJ men can be total hoes too, because they absolutely can. Like I used to, I used to work with one who had that streak in his life for about 10 years. And it’s just like, hey, I’m gonna go screw everything that moves. Because I don’t have to be responsible right now.
Because I’m not, I’m not accusing anyone of being irresponsible, which means I can be as irresponsible as I want, you know, which we kind of recently talked about in the beta Quadra episode of season 17, episode seven, right? So anyway. So you know those interesting Templar types, but yeah, like, honestly, you have to hold the INFJ accountable for the decisions that they make. Now, granted, if you’re already following rule one and telling them what you value, they actually end up basing their decisions based on what you value instead of just what they value, which is their FY Nemesis verify villain function. Because what they value, they worry about what they value, they don’t actually sometimes know what they stand for.
But if they know what you stand for, it actually helps them make better decisions. So again, as part of following rule number one, I guess a better way of defining Rule number one is always tell your NFJ consistently what you stand for. And if they go outside of what you stand for, hold them accountable for it, help them make decisions that support what you stand for, make it about you NF J’s exist, in hopes that you would be selfish enough to tell them what you stand for, and tell them that you expect them to live their life based on what you stand for. If you aren’t being unselfish, perhaps you’re like an extroverted feeler who’s being really self deprecating and whatnot, just as much as an ENFJ is constantly self deprecating, then you’re just going to, you’re not really, you’re not really, you know, making any, you’re not benefiting the ENFJ whatsoever, it’s like, there’s no benefit to it at all.
So again, you have to tell them what you stand for, you have to tell them what you value what your value system is, so that they can follow it so that they are, you know, well within their boundaries. That’s all NF J’s want to know, they just want to know their boundaries, it’s like, you drop them in a little box that says you could do whatever you want in this box, as long as you don’t go outside of the box, right. And that box becomes your value system, it becomes what you stand for. And they need that, because they’re so scared of failing you actually, they’re extremely scared of failing you, you know, think about like, especially especially with their sexual performance with with with their extroverted sensing child, for example, their Introverted intuition, you know, they are they desire to be so gentle with you in the bedroom that they are so afraid of, you know, taking too much control or not being or being, you know, too gentle or not gentle enough.
And they’re constantly trying to figure out exactly like what their boundaries are so that they know how to make you happy because that’s all an ENFJ wants to do is make you happy. So you have to allow yourself especially if you’re an FE user to be selfish with an ENFJ because that’s selfishness, as long as it doesn’t break their ethical, their ethical rules or their you know, or their ethical expectations as e Nf J’s. As long as it’s within their definition of their own personal ethics. It doesn’t matter her, they thrive on that.
And they need you to be willing to be selfish enough to tell them that so that they can live their life by your standard. This is how they live their life, they need this, so give it to them. So you do this by giving them choices that always align with your value system that align with what you stand for, because that’s what they want to be and then contributing to you in that way will make them very proud. Because that’s all they want to be.
That way they don’t fall in the pit of getting just worthless achievements and majoring in minor things like NF J’s do, because they’re there to you know, make sure that 25:42 that they’re making decisions and being supportive of you, and benevolent to you, maybe even mentoring you and helping you emotionally develop you and broaden what you stand for and broaden your, your, your value system and your horizons, expanding your horizons, you know, but that’s rule number three, rule number three is allow your ENFJ to expand your horizons allow them to present to you new tastes, new experiences, that could be in the kitchen that could also be in the bedroom, you have to give them full freedom of choice as part of following rule number two, but in a responsible manner. But you have to communicate with them, what makes you comfortable, you have to communicate with them, what it is you actually want to receive from them, you know, that includes right down to all of your kinks in the bedroom, because it is their good pleasure to perform any kink on you in the bedroom, because that’s just how they work. You are a canvas to them. And they are a painter, and they want to paint upon your canvas.
And that includes all of the kinks. And they want to be a part of that have that shared experience with you. And they are so obsessed with doing such a good job with that and then pressing you because I just want to impress you, male or female ENFJ because they’re so afraid that you are going to abandon them. So how about you, they don’t how about you don’t abandon them ad because you’re being honest with them as to what you want.
And you’re not afraid of looking bad. And being not afraid of embarrassment or being ashamed of telling them what they what you want, especially from a bedroom scenario. And you’re upfront with them about that. Because all they want is to give it to you and they want to give to you.
So you have to arm them with the things to give. Right? So and then. But ultimately, rule number three is about you know, demonstrations of, it’s about demonstrations of loyalty and steadfastness and perseverance for them absolute loyalty and making them a priority. But you know, that’s what you know, sharing your value system is with, you know, rule number one, but yeah, they really need to be made.
made a priority, but you know, with with their, with their, with their child function, you know, you just got to tell them, you know, hey, you make me really comfortable, you make them feel safe. And, and the more experiences you share with them as simple as even like, you know, if you’re long distance away from each other, take photos of what you’re doing, and send it to them so that they feel like they’re there with you, right. And also, it’s your job to remember things for them because of how forgetful they are as a result, but that’s more on that later. So yeah, just be willing to drop everything for them.
Rule number three, be willing to drop everything for them at a drop of a hat and be there for them because they are absolutely there for you. That’s for absolute sure. Rule number four, always listening to your ENFJ even if you feel the wrong, always give them their day in court. If you do not give an ENFJ their day in court.
They’re there in their es TJ super ego, demonic mode will activate and will come out and it will put you in a cage and will control your life and it will take away your voice and you will not have anything to say because there’ll be like you took away my voice. So I’m taking away yours. You don’t get an opinion until you hear me out. I don’t care if you feel that I’m incorrect with what I think you will listen to me.
And they get to that standpoint. Although sometimes they can get pretty arrogant in that regard. So you have to be willing to call them out on that when that happens. Never ever, ever tell an ENFJ that they’re stupid, ever.
That’s the stupidest thing you can do is tell the ENFJ the stupid, but you have to tell them you know, hey, I’m not going to tell you that. You’re stupid. But you have to realize that no one cares if you’re smart. No one cares.
Because honestly, human beings don’t care. Human beings are pretty careless. You know, and it’s wrong for NF J’s because they’re not careless. Typically.
They’re very caring people, but then they expect other people to care for them in the same way that they care for others which is actually a covert contract and it’s wrong of them to do this. So all All you need to do really after you know, making them a priority and telling them your value system. And what you stand for as part of observing rule number one observing rule number four is simply just listen to them, you have to listen to them. And also remind them that You have been listening to them by reciting things that they have told you from the past.
That means everything to an ENFJ, when you can recite their ideas back to them. They love it to see you just get so excited for one of their ideas that one of their ideas actually has meaning to you. Because that all sudden translates into them having meaning. And you know, it’s just when things when their ideas don’t seem to matter, that’s when they just start steaming rolling people and shoving their ideas down people’s throats.
Because they feel like no one’s listening to them. And then it’s like, wow, No one values, my thoughts. So why do I care? Why am I so caring towards this person? He’s not going to take time to make me a priority or listen to me. So why do I care? You know, and then they just stopped caring entirely.
You know, but yeah, like, it’s, it’s super, super important that you do that rule, rule five is, you know, they worry about their self worth. So tell them, give them recognition and show them that they’re actually a good person, they are starving for recognition. So give them that recognition, especially publicly, you know, but another way to do it is share your status. If you are a person of status, you’re a person that value status, share it with your ENFJ, your ENFJ puts you on a pedestal, it would be nice, if you would actually take the time and invite them to join you on your pedestal.
You know, when you’re being given credit, or whatever, you also give credit to them for their support of you, if you’re receiving an award in front of a crowd of people, why aren’t you mentioning your ENFJ lover? Like, it’s stupid not to What are you doing? Like, let’s be straight, you know, so keep that in mind. Like seriously keep that in mind. It’s, it’s really important to them, because they want to be made a priority. You know, so Rule five is, quite frankly, it’s, it’s make them a priority, make them a priority, and include them in your status.
You know, they have to, they have to think that you value them enough to include them with your status that you value them enough to make them into, you know, this person that that you trust enough that you prioritize over other people. It’s funny though, I have seen NF peas actually getting in the face of NF J’s. I’ve seen it where NF J’s where they accused NF J’s of valuing everybody the same and not valuing them enough, their Fe critic or Fe Nemesis comes out. So it can go both ways with E and F j.
So ENFJ is be careful and realize that just because you walk around feeling like you’re not worthy enough doesn’t mean that you have the right to do that, you know, so but you know, if you’re in a relationship with the INFJ help them feel more worthy by including them in your glory, including them in the status and it’s likely the reason why you have glory and status yourself is because they helped bring it to you. They helped to build it within you, and they helped you get there, you didn’t get there alone. So give credit where it is do make them a priority, and show them some gratitude and thanks sometimes given that recognition they deserve. It’s not that hard people stop being so selfish and self deluded that you can’t even see your ENFJ you can’t even see past your own nose that you can’t see your ENFJ they’re supporting you every step of the way.
This is especially hard for fellow Templar types, oh my goodness. But you know, NFPs St. Jays, it’s really on you to be making those decisions, trust me. So, beyond that 34:09 you know, the next the next rule rule six always state your intentions before you do it.
I mean, classic expert intuition critic, they will jump to the wrong conclusions, they will they will accuse you of cheating, they will, they will suspect cheating. Sometimes they will assume that you’re cheating and go cheat on you themselves, even though you didn’t actually cheat on them because they made an assumption. And they’re always watching always know that the ENFJ is always watching. Because they’re worried that you’re not gonna make them a priority.
They’re afraid you’re not going to listen to them. They’re afraid that if they actually screw up that you’re not even given gonna give them the opportunity to fix the problem. That’s another part of rule for when you’re always listening to them is that you always give your ENFJ every opportunity to fix a problem. Because so it like so you tell an ENFJ is like listen, you know Have you ever screw up, I will always give you first right of remedy, what that means is, is that you will always be given the opportunity to fix the problem and make it right.
Before I abandon you, that’s another sign of loyalty and following rule three, for example. But yes, you have to go out of your way to be disciplined enough to tell your ENFJ your intentions before you do it, because by looping them in and looping them into your decision making, again, it just makes them feel like a priority, it makes them feel heard, it gives them a voice, it allows them to, you know, feel like that they are a part of your future. Because if they don’t feel that they are a part of your future, they’re just going to move on, they’re going to find somebody who is they’re going to find someone who’s actually loyal to them. So you have to follow that.
And then rule seven similar to E and TJ is help them remember things because they forget everything. And ENFJ is it’s harder for NF j’s and as ENT J’s because at least en TJ is take the time to write things down. It’s so hard to get an ENFJ to write things down have the discipline to write things down compared to en ti J’s, especially when they’re like trying to get you to listen to them. Because if you’re not listening, you’re not listening, but you’ve been listening to them for the last two weeks, but then they just completely forgot about it.
You need to write things down, write down everything they say. And then recite, or at least remember what they say and recite back to them everything they said to at least that you can always prove to them that you were listening. And you can always, but furthermore, they get so forgetful, sometimes that they need you to remember for them because if they are not, if they are not there to remember, then that’s a serious issue. You know, if they are not like, like, if you’re not there to remember for them, they could be stranded, they could be in a bad medical situation, you know, they, they need you to remember because you are like a walking tone of their memory.
That’s why if you die as their lover, as as if a part of them has died with you. Because all those memories that they have attached to you are gone. They can’t even function, I actually watched my ENFJ aunt freaking out that her that her husband, my uncle was going to die because she’s like, I don’t know, if I could survive. I don’t know what I will do.
I don’t know who I would become, I don’t know anything. I don’t know what to do. And she was freaking out on me. I gave her a hug.
And I told her no, I honestly don’t know, I don’t know what you would be able to do. I don’t know. And the final, the final rule is, is that as part of listening to them, don’t just like judge them as this person who is inept or incapable or stupid, don’t. Don’t make it all about what you think.
Because everything, you know, they really need to be with somebody who’s pretty subjective. Because they want to be the person who is objective. So you have to if you’re a TI user in a relationship with an ENFJ, and they’re a TI user, you have to give them the opportunity to be objective and give them the opportunity to come to conclusions on their own and just be more patient with them. If you are a TI user requires additional patients.
Luckily, if you’re an intp highest sexual compatibility, and simultaneously, you know, si child, it’s kind of like a rock. It’s very, very patient and it can outlast most things. Most people especially ENFJ is an ENFJ is need that right? Well, just you really got to get to a point where you know, you understand that te demon will take your voice away, and Te demon will control your life if you don’t listen to them. So you do this by not controlling theirs and and it’s all about your value system focus on following rule number one is possible.
So you don’t have to, you know, get to a point where, you know, rule number eight comes out. But if if if rule number eight, you know, if the demon comes out, you have to exercise rule number eight, the best way to do it is is that you just immediately take full responsibility for your actions, you immediately like it gets to a point where you have to bend the knee, bend the knee to the E and F j, so the cruelty of a cat. So the cruelty of their te demon will will subside, because it’s like, okay, he’s bending the knee or she’s bending the knee. They’re willing to listen to me and hear me out.
And then I don’t have to become so cruel. And then I can go back to being benevolent. You have to admit when you’re wrong. Truly admit when you’re wrong and take full responsibility for your actions, especially if you have a moral failure of some kind.
Nf j’s are extremely forgiving. They’re even forgiving cheating. They forgive people. for cheating all the time, and it’s just like, sometimes I feel like they forgive people for cheating too much.
And they just need to let go and stop being codependent and enabling other people. But they do they do forgive it. Why? Because they see their partners willing to take full responsibility for their actions. Now, granted, an INFJ and an ESTP, are not going to suffer that.
But an ISTP and an ENFJ, probably wait a little bit before they finally you know, kick them out, for sure. But just understand that like, as long as you’re willing to take responsibility for your actions, you will have an amazing relationship with your ENFJ. And you have to be honest with them. Because if you’re not honest with them, and not taking responsibility for their actions, they do not think or feel that anything that they’ve invested in you has been good for anything.
And they need to have that they need to have concrete proof as to emotional development and you as a human being. And that really comes from taking responsibility in your actions, I actually falsely believed that it was impossible for an INFJ to emotionally develop an F fi trickster EMTP. But that’s absolutely wrong. As long as me as an intp am willing to take responsibility for my actions that in its own right is a form of emotional development, as supported by an ENFJ.
So keep that in mind, folks. So anyway, recap what are the eight rules, the first rule is, is always tell them what you stand for, what you value, so that they what your principles are, or, quite frankly, tell them what your boundaries are. That’s, you know, your value boundaries, basically, is rule number one. Rule number two, help them make wise decisions, help them not be so impulsive, but always give them freedom of choice, but help them understand which decisions are the ones that you would prefer them to make, they really need that additional information.
Also, demonstrate to them loyalty and steadfastness they really need that as well. So that they can be so that they won’t feel abandoned, and be willing to drop things out a hat for ENFJ. If your ENFJ who spends all day trying to help you and they need some help, you need to get off your ass and actually drop everything you’re doing and help them. That’s just the fact.
So that’s rule number three. Rule number four is always listen to them even if they’re wrong. And always give them their day in court. If you don’t, their demon function will come out and own you.
Rule five is always give them recognition and make them a priority. They always are always making you a priority, you should be making them a priority to that’s your duty to do by them. Rule number six, always state your intentions and what you’re going to do ahead of time, rule number seven, always remember things for them and help them remember hold them accountable for writing things down and write things down things down for them, and make a system for them to help them remember things help them understand software like Evernote and my notes, etc to be able to do that. And then rule number eight is always take responsibility for your actions to your ENFJ because your ENFJ is very merciful and very forgiving, if not the most merciful and forgiving of all of the types.
So there you have it, folks, eight rules for loving e Nf J’s. If you found this lecture useful, helpful, educational, enlightening, please subscribe the channel here on YouTube or leave a comment below. Also leave a like, that would be nice. We’d like likes.
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