3 Strategies to Help ESTPs Avoid Being Toxic | CS Joseph Responds
CS Joseph answers an Acolyte question and provides 3 Strategies to Help ESTPs Avoid Being Toxic
Are you noticing? Whatsoever your hackers Welcome to the CS Joseph podcast. Today’s question, how can I motivate an ESTP to change for the better to be all about self improvement, but also to not be a toxic person? Fascinating acolyte question. Thank you to the acolyte user who asked this question. It’s nice to get ESTP questions, because a lot of people don’t realize this, but ESTPs actually watch this channel and listen to the podcast, more of all the types.
And we know this based off of statistics pulled off by Bucha, and our previous personality tests, that ESTPs out of everyone seem to make up a very large amount of the people that actually consume the content, and, you know, use the test and to type themselves, etc. So, which is pretty cool. I get to help my fellow ti parents, especially since ESTP, is haven’t really rough in life. And I think ESTP men, well, actually ESTP women, especially because they’re so masculine.
I think ESTP women probably have it the actual hardest out of everybody. I mean, I can say yes to you, man have it’s super hard to because of just how society is structured against men right now. But ESP women have it extremely hard. Like, like, they grew up the tomboy, the whole family never believed they’ll actually become mothers or be in a stable relationship.
And, and they think they’re gonna bring their tomboyish behavior into a marriage and just in that, like they’re incapable of being feminine. But what people don’t realize is that ESTPs ended up growing into the femininity that they need to be or growing into the masculinity that they need to be, you know, in terms of personal responsibility, eventually. But how do you motivate an ESTP into being responsible? How do you motivate them into like not being toxic? That’s where this acolyte question came from? So great question, I’m very happy to answer it. It’s actually multiple strategies to utilize.
The first strategy I’m gonna share. It does, it does work, but it requires it has a it has a huge prerequisite, you have to have a lot of personal experience. You know, like if you’re like an SI user, or a lot of observational experience, you know, from an expert sensor, and you got to be able to just watch the ESTP and how they behave over time. Or if you’re an introverted sensor, how you yourself become a memory totem to them.
Because likey NF J’s ESTPs. Extroverted Templars really treat the people closest to them, like crap. They just do. They really treat the people closest to them, like crap compared to other people.
Because like, when they see new people in their life, or like, ooh, shiny, they end up treating other people that are not in their family or not in a relationship with oftentimes better than their sexual partners, or better than their lovers better than members of their own immediate family. And it’s because it’s like, ooh, shiny, there’s this new person, you know, I want to be impressive, right? Because ESTP is they always lead with their ISTJ shadows need to be impressive to other people. ISTJ is all about being impressive and making a very good first impression, right? Because as much as ESTPs don’t really care about what other people want. They all secretly want to be wanted, because that’s their expert intuition, demon, that is the lesson of their demon.
So then their demon is trying to teach them, hey, you need to be more desirable, et cetera. And that’s important. That’s really important to ESTPs they may not admit it, because it’s very unconscious. It’s the lowest part of their unconscious.
But eventually in their life, if you actually talk to them, they’re the most frustrated when they’re left out. They don’t like being left out. And being left out is akin to feeling unwanted, right? They hate when people leave them out. So much so that they immediately respond with our Templar mirror and go out of their way to leave out those people.
Or it’s like, oh, you’re gonna go out on their wall, I’m gonna grab all these other people are more fun than you. You know, that’s, that’s what they always do. They always respond that way. Whenever they perceive that they’re slighted.
And as a result, ESTP is that of all the 16 types are the most likely to become indignant and indignant means responding negatively to perceived maltreatment. If they are perceiving and it could be and it’s usually an assumption, they’re perceiving that they’re being treated poorly by other people. They will treat people poorly in response but What if those people just look like they’re treating them or mistreating them and they’re not actually mistreating them, what happens then when it’s a, a an assumption? Well, that’s how an ESTP can end up being toxic, basically. But this first technique to motivate them to being less toxic or motivating them to change for the better, you have to have a ton of experience, you have to be a member of their immediate family, or you have to be their lover, or you have to be really, really close friend, a friend that they’d actually be willing to listen to, because you have a lot of experience them you have rapport with them.
And that report, that report really matters, and matters in a big way. Because they know, their ti parent can’t deny that you know what you’re talking about because of the amount of experience you have with them to the point where you can even cite examples of poor behavior on their part in the past, because they’re always going to ask you for specific examples. And if you can’t offer specific examples in response, like an ISTJ, aka their golden pair, or an INFP, aka their natural pair, would actually be able to do in the context of a friendship or relationship or family member, they’re just going to automatically dismiss you with their te critic, and they’re going to continue to make the same mistakes over and over and over in their life, especially because they go out of their way, usually to run away from their own failure. Especially if their subconscious developed, then they really are extra afraid of failure, extra afraid of rejection, and anytime they do fail, they choose not to admit it, because they want to run away from that failure.
Because if they admit that failure, especially audibly, it’s like become this, all of a sudden, it’s real, then all of a sudden, they have to change. And they’d rather run away from a situation, they would rather assume it’s better for them to not be around and run away. It’s like, oh, I broke your toy. So I’m gonna run away from you.
Because you’re better off with me not around, when the reality situation is, the ESTP needs to realize they need to have the guts to stay put and fix what they broke, instead of just running away, because that will just cause si users to hate them, and si users to go out of their way to not share anything with them anymore, and actually leave them out to which the ESTP would respond with, well, you’re leaving me out? Well, I’m going to leave you out too. And I’m going to make you feel unwanted. Even though it was the ESTP, who caused the problem to begin with. This happens all the time, with every single ESTP I’ve ever met in my life.
They all do this, regardless of subconscious or unconscious development. This is how they behave. And it’s really frustrating, albeit annoying, right? So that ends up, you know, snowballing and getting worse and worse and worse over time, much worse, more work. It’s a huge problem.
So let’s say you’re a friend with them, or you’re their lover, you’ve been around them for a long time. And it’s time to speak up. This is what you do. You gotta say it this way, you can’t list out to an ESTP everything that they did wrong and label them a piece of crap because they behave XYZ, well you have to do is you have to provide some type of FYI, sympathy real or not emulated or real, it doesn’t matter.
But you got to say like, Look, I know you’re better than this. I know that you’re far more capable than that. And oftentimes, oftentimes, people don’t even realize they don’t even realize that that’s all it takes. You got to tell him like, hey, you know, you were good at this particular time, or you were great at this particular time.
I know you have good in you, I know that you’re capable of doing it. I just don’t understand why you continue to choose to be alienating to me and other people in your life, especially the people that are closest to you. I know there’s good in you. I know there’s conflict in the you let go of your hate, right like what Luke Skywalker said to his ti parent father, Darth Vader.
Now, I know I previously said that Darth Vader was an ESTP. I was wrong. I was corrected. He’s actually an ESTP an ISTP in my life.
Question that and I realized that they were correct. And we actually have some content coming out in the near future to discuss that in the form of a live stream. Am I actually do it next Tuesday. But that’s the thing.
That’s what ends up happening basically, over time. So that’s the first technique you have to recognize because that every child so desperately wants recognition, you have to be able to recognize the good that they have within themselves. So that’s, that’s what you got to do. That’s what you got to do.
You got to you got to be like, I know there’s good in you, and you got to tell them that and then tell them remind them of the times they have been good to like, oh, oh, I just got to keep doing those things over and over, then I’ll be good. Yeah, great. Because he STPs they already reject themselves. They’re already the most external vulva types other than inf J’s, because they’re less types, you know.
And they’re only going to behave and mirror the feedback, negative feedback or positive feedback that they get. So it’s really hard. They’re just pure mirrors. And if they’re, and if they’re, and if you’re frustrated with them, they’re gonna mirror frustration back.
But yeah, be frustrated with them, but show them that they have the potential for being good, because they’ve already established the precedent in the past, for being good to you in the past, remind them how good they were before. So that’s the first technique, but it requires that you have personal experience with them to be able to cite, you know, like ISTJ is do cite your sources, you know, like what inf peas do cite your sources, you have to cite your source of the times that you’ve seen them behave good and good to you. And they will rise to the occasion. Why do people though, don’t have the patience for that with ESTPs.
This is why ESTPs oftentimes end up in sexual relationships with ISTJ is an INFP is because those two types out of the 16 have, and even also iossef J’s their pedagogue type, their companion type. Those types have the patience to basically put up with their failure, the patients to put up with failure, and the patience to be around their and remind them of when they have been good in the past. That’s how an ESTP ultimately feels love. Yeah, sure, they have their quality time love language, which actually is quality activities, which is what they really, really, really like.
But to really, really truly love them, you got to be patient enough to be able to take the good and the bad because they’re going to fail. And they need to be with people in their life, that can be patient with them during their failure, and also be patient with them enough to remind them of when they weren’t good people earlier in the friendship earlier in the relationship, they all need this. And if you’re not going to do this for an ESTP, you’re going to fail, you are setting them up for failure. And that’s at that point, that’s what I would say it’s technically your fault, not theirs, because you’re the one setting them up for failure, because you are the one who’s failing to communicate Great.
That sucks, you know, sucks for them too. And that’s like you shooting yourself in the foot, you’re not gonna have a good relationship with them, you’re not gonna have a good friendship with them. It’s just not going to happen, right? It’s just not. So that’s one technique.
That’s one technique. The next technique is, you got to remind them that or at least help them help them become desirable. Remind them that you know, yeah, ESTPs they’re the most lonely of all the types. They are the loneliest they are absolutely the loneliest, because at least an INFJ, they can get pretty lonely too.
But they have Fe parent, they have se inferior, so they’re less likely to be lonely. But ESTP they’re the loneliest of the 16 types, hands down because of TI parent. And they’re just so alien, other people, they often are forced to walk the path of the lone wolf, even though they’re actually intrinsically weak, they have a hard time going up to the counter introducing to themselves to the new person, even though they’re initiating, especially if they’re like a woman, because they are afraid of rejection, especially if their subconscious developed, which is even worse. And it ends up getting worse and worse and worse for them.
When they need people around them, to be able to break the ice ESTP has really struggled with breaking the ice. And that too, is another reason why they’re so lonely. So you if you’re close to them, if you’re a family member, if you’re a deep close friend, if you’re in a sexual relationship with them, give them tips on how to be more desirable, show them, tell them what makes them desirable to you. And then also tell them how they can be desirable to other people.
And sometimes, if you’re an SI user, and you’re working hard to be desirable yourself, share your ability to become desirable yourself with the ESTP. And that will also motivate them to improve because it’s like, oh, we can have this shared experience where we’re both becoming desirable at the same time. Wow, that’s awesome. And they will definitely, definitely get on board with that.
Definitely. That’s super important. Super important to do that. And that too also requires patience.
The patience of an SI optimistic to a point to be able to stick around and be able to weather their storm because they’re very stormy because extroverted sensing hero is extremely stormy, you gotta whether they’re Tempest, you got to whether they’re failure, or remind them how they’ve been good in the past. Give them that justification and that absolution that they’re looking for? Because it’s like, yeah, you’re really failing right now. But you really succeeded in the past, you succeeded here, here and here. Oh, yeah, they’re hella motivated, then because it’s like, oh, I actually did do that, oh, I don’t have to reject myself anymore.
Oh, I don’t have to choose to be lonely before because I succeeded in this social area, or in this thing, or with this creation. In the past, I actually did make a really good experience. And that’s amazing. And they all need that all ESTPs need this.
So make sure that you are taking responsibility and giving it to them. So they can take responsibility to improve and grow as human beings. They’ll even tack their identity onto this huge showing them where they’ve succeeded, they’ll tack their identity on those, those those successes, they also tack on their identity on how they themselves can become more desirable. Sure, they don’t really care about other people’s choice, and they don’t really care about being desirable, but they will care to be desirable, because you they see and observe you caring to be desirable.
And because you are caring to be desirable, they to naturally because they’re mirroring you will want to become desirable as well. Right. That’s how that works. That’s why that works.
And every ESTP out there, they need this, they need this from the people closest to them. That’s why they so desperately want to be the leader of their wolf pack, because their wolf pack is what makes them into a better person. You can see this in the Mr. O’Leary, the, the ESTP, gang leader of the Irish and the show on HBO Max called warrior.
Highly recommend that show it’s a really great testament to ESTP behavior, you might want to check that out. There is like another strategy, another strategy, and I forgot. Forgot what it was, specifically. Let me see what that strategy is.
One second. All right, yeah. So that strategy is that they have to. There’s one other strategy and this strategy, I saved it for last because it’s what you do when you’re desperate, it’s what you do when you’re actually potentially going to be walking away from a friendship, walking out on them as family or walking away from them as their lover where you’re just so frustrated.
And you have literally nothing to lose, because you’re basically done with the relationship, especially as an SI user, and you’re just done. This really, this is like the this is the last resort if you’ve tried the other techniques, but this technique is not going to work. This is the last resort. And what you do is you start comparing them to other people, other people in your past, other people that have been successful with you other people that have given you a good experience, other people have been memorable to you.
And you start talking about other people’s success. And then you tell them how they too can be successful if they mirror those other successful people in your life in your past. And then all of a sudden, it’s like, Oh, dang, I actually have a path and a plan to move forward because ESTPs can’t plan anything because here’s the thing, ESTPs they’re lost, they’re lost in life, they are clueless, I’m sorry, but like they have ti parent. But just because they have ti parent don’t mean ain’t clueless.
ESTPs are clueless AF, if not some of the most coolest of all the times, they’re insanely clueless, and they never really want people to know how clueless they are. So they can really only accept people that are closest to them to actually talk to them about how clueless they actually are. Because they are clueless, insanely clueless. So if you’re at this desperate point where you’re about to walk out on them, start comparing them to people who have been successful with you in the past, and how they’ve had a good relationship with you in the past.
And how you were able to invest in those people in response to that, and the good things that you were able to do in response to what those people were doing for you, and how that was a great friendship or how that was a great sexual relationship or how that was a great family situation. That way, the ESTP can copy that behavior with you, because then all of a sudden, they have a plan, oh, if I just do these things that these other people did, to, you know, to my lover or to my child or whatever, if I just do these things, then I’ll be successful too. And then the natural artisan creativity will come out and they’ll actually improve upon those experiences and give something better to you. You just have to make sure that as an SI user, that you’re not being a pussy and actually willing to share that information with the ESTP Even if you have to go into the gory details, gory details about how things were at a particular date, or gory details about how things were in a church situation, that was actually thing, or your even sexual performance details with past lovers, that kind of stuff.
Because ESTP is just like, they failed, they know that they failed. And they just, they just want to run away and just go into a hole or get away from you. Because they’re like, I’m feeling I’m feeling feeling. You have to help outline a plan based on past good experiences, happy memories that you’ve had.
So they can learn how to be memorable and give you quality experiences. So they can have their love language with you. So they too could feel loved by you. Because they know that you’re they’re giving you a quality experience a shared quality experience that you two have, and they’re going to be creative and make it their own because that way they feel like that they have their thing with you that is unique to you and them.
It’s absolutely critical. You do this for ESTPs. I’m so happy and ESTP had the guts to ask this question. I’m so happy reminder, folks, if you want your questions answered, and with YouTube videos and podcast episodes, well become an acolyte member csos.ly forward slash members become a journeyman member, then upgrade to acolyte or go to CS joseph.ly forward slash portal.
If you’re are a journeyman member and upgrade to Acolyte. From there, one question a month becomes a video here on YouTube or on the podcast as a response. And then everyone in the audience can learn together. So ESTPs end up as a result of using these three techniques ESTPs will end up becoming literally the best person in your life, they will end up outperforming everyone else because their outcome focus, they know that they’re going to get a really good outcome that they’re going to perform, that they’re not going to be feeling you anymore, that they’re not going to be set up for failure anymore.
And then as a result, they’ll end up having the best friendship, the best sexual relationship, the best family connection, because what they want more out of life is connectedness. What they want more out of life is intimacy. And you are giving them the roadmap, the path forward to being more intimate with you. Every ESTP on the planet needs that because when they have that they actually do feel connected to you.
And they no longer have to feel lonely ever again. And that’s why it’s so key. Ma folks, thanks for watching and listening and I’ll see you guys in the next episode.