Why Do ESFJs Make You Feel Sorry For Them? | CS Joseph Responds
CS Joseph Responds to the Acolyte question why do ESFJs make you feel sorry for them?
Transcript:
Hey what’s up ego, hackers. Welcome to the CS Joseph podcast. And today’s question is, why do ESFJ’s seek to make you feel sorry for them? What a great question. I love me some ESFJ questions.
So there’s a lot of different ways to put this in terms of like an appropriate answer. Because there’s a lot of different applications as to why this is happening. But usually you can go the, you know, from a safe perspective, you usually can just be like, Okay, here’s, here’s what it is cognitive projection. Everyone likes to project themselves onto other people.
So what they give to other people mentally, with their words, their actions, time, attention, resources, doesn’t matter. What they give to other people, people typically expect to receive that back, this is what I call the golden rule. gone bad, the golden rule being treat others the way you want to be treated. Most people interpret that from an ego perspective, I act a certain way.
So I’m going to expect everyone else to act that way too. Which is completely and utterly wrong. Certain rant a little bit should probably pick up the pace. But I mean, that’s a very improper and improper way of going about doing it, I don’t I don’t recommend that really is you just need to realize that everyone is one of the 16 types.
And among those 16 types, everyone is one of the two genders. And among those two genders with the different 16 types, they are one of two different cognitive focus, right, which gives a ton of variants out there for psychological type. There’s a lot of different types, a lot of different variants, while the wind is out of control. I’m gonna do my best to keep the microphone out of the wind.
Hopefully, this, this works out. As I turn the corner here. Not entirely sure if it will work out. We’ll see.
Although this place is absolutely beautiful. Just take a look. Got the lake back there. Yeah, on this nice, amazing hike.
Even better when the sun’s out, and there’s no wind. But yeah. So the point is cognitive projection. ESFJ’s, they’re very supportive people, oftentimes they feel sorry for other people on a regular basis.
It’s because they are worried about their own sense of self worth. This is called Introverted Feeling nemesis, the very word they worry about whether or not they’re doing a good thing, whether or not they’re worthy enough or whether or not they’re a good enough person, that type of thing. Right. So this continues to constitute a problem for them.
So they’re often walking around feeling sorry for people. They do it all the time. This is why sometimes it’s like, Oh, I feel I go out of my way. And I feel sorry for everyone.
I’m putting all that effort. It would be nice if someone would feel sorry for me, basically, right? That’s calling a projection. And that is usually why ESFJs are trying to make other people feel sorry for them. But here’s the other way.
Sympathy ESFJs, being sympathetic towards other people, which is feeling sorry for them. But they don’t often see others feeling sorry for themselves. reason why is because their eye fi nemesis, which is their source of sympathy, they’re projecting their Introverted Feeling Nemesis onto other people, psychologically, and because they’re doing this or doing it too much. They’re doing it too often.
And that can be a huge problem, right? Because it’s happening too much. It’s happening too often. They notice other people are not really doing it for them just as often. So they’re not getting as much sympathy as they would like because they’ve given so much of their sympathy to other people.
And this is where you end up having their virtue advice, which is caretaking versus caregiving coming into play. If you want to learn more about that. You’re gonna want to go to the playlist on the YouTube channel and click season seven and watch the ESFJ episode caretaking versus caregiving. But caretaking is basically they give to get something in return caregiving is giving for the sake of giving right those are the two are examples, right? So when they’re caretaking, it’s like, Hey, I’ve been so sympathetic towards these people.
Now it’s my turn for someone to be sympathetic towards me. So it’s all about turn taking right? And that ends up becoming a problem. This is why they’re trying to make you feel sorry for them because they felt sorry for so many people and overdone the feeling sorry, who Astaire FYI nemesis, that their ego is like, Well, what about me, after their shadow has given away so much of their sympathy who their ISFP shadow has given away so much their sympathy to other people. This is called covert contracting, the number one form of manipulation for ESFJ’s and intp is not to say that ENTPs and ISFJ’s don’t do it, as well as fellow Crusader types, because they do Crusader types are SFJ, NTP types.
If you want to learn more about that, go download the companion guide. The companion guide is at CS Joseph dot life, scroll down underneath the personality test button, there is a download companion guide button, just toss in your email, and it will get emailed to you download the companion guide. And the companion guide is about to release its second edition, which will include all of the definitions of immature and mature cognitive functions for each of the 16 types, updated definitions so that everyone can understand exactly how they work, and how they are expressed. And each of the 16 types depending on their maturity level.
Which is pretty cool if you think about it. So be aware of that, go get the companion guide. So covert contracting is basically like, Hey, I’m going to do this favor for you. And but I’m not going to tell you that I’m going to get a favor from you later.
So oftentimes how this works is an ESFJ should be like, Hey, I’m going to do you a favor, I’m not going to expect anything in return. But then, because they’ve done so many favors after a while. They feel like they’ve invested in you in some capacity. And then they’re like, then they start behaving like well, you owe me.
You owe me even though they told you or they never said that you would ever owe them basically. And that’s and that becomes problem. This is why any SFJ is constantly trying to make people feel sorry for them. It is technically a covert contract making others feel sorry for them.
It is a form of covert contracting. Because from their perspective, I’ve gone out of my way to feel sorry for everyone else. It’s my turn for someone to feel sorry about me. Okay.
That’s all it is. It is a subtle, covert form of manipulation. You might want to watch out for that. So that’s why that’s that is ultimately the reason.
Now how do you condition ESFJs to stop behaving like this? Sorry, the camera is a little off right now, because the wind is terrible. And I’m trying to keep the microphone out of the wind as much as I can. So how, how exactly how do you deal with this? The thing is, is that you just have to assume that the ESFJ is going to behave this way, you have to assume all ESFJs are going to do this. So while you’re making such an assumption, you just go to them and be like, Okay, you gotta you gotta make it clear, like, hey, you know, thank you for doing me this favor, but I’m not expected to do anything for you in return, you know, that kind of thing.
Or every now and then do a favor for them, even if they don’t even ask you to do that favor. But just do it for them. So that they’re forced to appreciate it, they’re forced to be like, oh, this person is showing me gratitude. Because it’s least it’s based on your choice.
And I’ve noticed, for example, ESTPs are very good at this. And ISTPs. So like you do ESTP a favor, they’ll immediately do a favor for you right off the bat. Because they don’t want that string attached to that favor.
They don’t ever want to feel obligated. So they’re obligating themselves by making sure that, Hey, you did his favor for me, I’ll do a favor for you, that kind of thing. That’s another way to manage ESFJs and their covert contract caretaker ish behavior, which is ultimately manipulative, right? So that’s how you deal with that. That’s how you avoid that outcome or one strategy at least.
Or you just make it clear from a boundary setting. You set the boundaries. Awesome. Thank you for all the favors but you know, just so You know, you can’t expect similar or the same favors from me later, just because you decided to give to me.
You always be like, Oh, I don’t really need that. Or I don’t really want that. You could say either of those things to any SFJ. If you’re saying I don’t really want that it makes her any child feel really hurt, and it hurts their ego.
But if you say it in a way, like, oh, I don’t really need that, that’s their se critic. And they’re like, Okay, yeah, fair enough, then they’ll usually let go as a result. And that’s what’s really important. You know, when you’re when you have these people in your life, that’s ultimately how you manage the situation.
That’s ultimately how you deal with it. Because if not, they’re just going to be manipulating you in a covert way. And you don’t really ever want that to happen. So again, it’s just wiser to assume that they’re going to caretake you can use the ESTP strategy, or you can just make it clear and upfront right at the beginning, that you don’t owe them anything.
Anytime they try to covert contract you later. Such as trying to make you feel sorry for them. You just have to call them out on it be like, Hey, I don’t owe you anything. That’s literally the entire process, you follow.
And as a result, you won’t have to concern yourself with ESFJ’s, manipulating you as long as you follow those specific principles in your life and in your relationship with them. So yeah. Anyway, folks, thanks for watching, and I’ll see you guys on the discord later.
