How does an ESFJ stop taking advantage of others by over caring? | CS Joseph Responds
CS Joseph answers the acolyte question how does an ESFJ stop taking advantage of others by over caring?
Transcript:
Welcome to the CS Joseph podcast. I’m your host, CS Joseph. And if that’s like not obvious, and do another question today so and guess what? We have an E SFJ question and shout out to the person who acid it is Lorenzo. Mr.
Lorenzo, who is one of our community leaders in the CSS of discord. If you have not gotten into the CSS of discord, you definitely need to. It’s great where almost 700 members, it’s pretty safe an awesome environment for people to hang out in. Yes, we have lots of rules.
Yes, we have mods that definitely enforce those rules. And we have an annoying security system that requires people to verify who they are before they join and make sure your DMS are not turned off. Because you won’t be able to get past a security system because it DMS you things. So make sure your direct messages are turned on.
But once you’re in it’s it’s a pretty cool community. And Lorenzo has been a fantastic part of it. And I would like to thank you Mr. Lorenzo, as well as the rest of the mod team for all of your guys’s assistance and keeping the peace as well as contributing to the conversation of within the discord server.
The link to join the discord server is below in the description. So go ahead and check that out. And please join us. We’d be happy to have you there.
If you want a different format or a different discussion, maybe with some of the older aged folk within the CSJ community. You can also check out our Facebook group as well. Anyway, that being said on to Lorenzo’s question. Hey, Chase as an ENFJ Wait, excuse me.
Hey, Chase as an ESF J. How do I stop taking advantage of others by over caregiving that it devolves into caretaking? So I’m going to provide like a two part answer because I want to I want to also add in the thoughts of another person from within the CSJ community because he had an opportunity to respond to this question as well. And I think this is really pertinent for ESF js. But I also think it’s super pertinent for Crusader types, especially male Crusader types, who end up having this issue.
And I think there’s some really good lessons that can be learned here. So yes, I’m answering primarily for ESFJ’s especially ESFJ men. But at the same time, I think all crusaders ESF J’s, and I NTPs especially, would be able to benefit from this. So I’m gonna start with my answer, and then we’re gonna get to the other answer.
So my, my initial answer is literally, like, you gotta be more interest based. So systematic types, especially Crusaders, we often give for the sake of giving, and it’s really boggles the mind of, you know, interest based types. Like, you know, NF and ESPYS. Like that.
They’re they’re like, really, they’re actually exist people who give for the sake of giving? And yes, there are, I am one of them. And I’m triple systematic intp that way too, we are actually Crusaders are people, especially NTPs. Because there’s triple systematic, where we will give for the sake of giving a not unnecessarily, and we won’t, we won’t expect anything in return. And then eventually, you know, if someone starts treating us bad after we’ve given a lot to, instead of like trying to extract what we’ve given to them back from them, we’ll just move on to somebody else, we’ll just go to them and move on.
Basically, that’s not a person we want in our life, basically. So that’s the thing. That’s a problem. So, with that being said, like, it is just important that Crusaders are aware that they have to have this habit and I’ve talked about this in the season 20 The season 22 episode for NTPs.
I think that season 22 Episode Seven or eight, it’s probably episode eight. So just go into the playlist here on the YouTube channel or you probably search it in the podcast as well if you’re on anchor or on Spotify, listening, you can check those out from there, season 22 Episode Seven or eight which is the cognitive transitions for en TPS. And I talked about how there’s this healthy habit that en tpz to have honestly, crusaders need to have this healthy habit and that is train yourself to always ask your ask this question when you’re about to give something to somebody. What is this person getting out of the situation compared to what am I getting out of the situation? Question.
The reason why is because a little beeps going on right now I gotta turn off my beeper, because that’s like really knowing while I’m doing this, but gotta love all those notification things Ding, ding, ding. So, but when it comes to when it comes to giving to people, if you train yourself to have the healthy habit of asking that question ahead of time, as a crusader type Crusader types are SFJ’s and NTP types. We care about justice and we care about fairness, that’s where that comes from. But if you train yourself to have that healthy habit, what will end up happening is that people people end up needing while you are protecting yourself from being taken advantage of, because you are making yourself you’re forcing yourself to be aware that this person may have an actual interest in the situation, right? That they may, they may be getting more out of it than you are which means you are actually being taken advantage of.
And thus it’s your responsibility as a crusader type to criticize that person. Or at least ask that person what their game is or what their angle is, because you need to protect yourself as a Crusader and Crusader types oftentimes get victimized by NF types and SP types the most, because they like to take advantage of how giving we are for the sake of giving which can lead to bitterness later and bitterness is actually the cause of caretaking you know this is like the the virtue advice of the ESF J virtue advice would talk about it for ESF J’s. That is season seven, Episode Five. Okay, season seven episode five talks about the virtue advice caregiving versus caretaking for ESF jays, I highly recommend you watch that video in conjunction with this video.
You can find that easily just go to YouTube channel here, go to the playlists, find season seven, watch Episode Five. Pretty simple to find no no, no difficulty. So but caregiving is giving for the sake of giving but caretaking is that I’m going to give to you and it creates a covert contract where I’m giving to somebody else. And then I expect them to give back to me and contribute back to me because I’ve contributed them even though I never told them that I had that expectation to begin with.
It’s called a covert contract. It’s extremely manipulative and very abusive. And it’s basically a form of entitlement is where ESF J’s become entitled to other people’s everything entitled other people’s property, in some cases entitled to their bodies, entitled to their money. And that can be really, really ugly, especially with E and TJ demon coming out.
Oh my goodness, that’s like horrible. So beware of that. Be aware that those are some of the risks but how you stop it is you just make yourself aware of other people’s interests, by having the healthy habit of ask yourself, what is this person? Person getting out of this compared to what am I getting out of it? Am I being taken advantage of or am I being manipulated? asking yourself that question as a crusader as an ESFJ can go a really really long way. It’s super mega important to do that.
So you can protect yourself from being taken advantage of because what this will do, it will create responsibility within you the ESF j where you are being responsible with your caregiving and your serving of other people. That way it prevents it from devolving into caretaking as Lorenzo pointed out. That all being said, I would like to open up and read the response of never another member of the community who is also a Crusader and also an SF Jey. Like Mr.
Lorenzo here, and I will now read his specific response for some reason. Like these things need to be muted. Like it’s so ridiculous. Okay.
All right, mutes are up. I can’t I can’t focus when I have like messaging digging going on in the background. So and the person who provided this answer is none other than our very own Robert pot. So thank you, Robert, for sharing this perspective as an ISFJ.
Within the Crusader, the house of Crusader or the Crusader quadra, basically. So Lorenzo asked Robert the same, and Robert stated quote, I’m thinking stop taking care of people who don’t ask for it. unless it’s your kids, then it’s your job to teach them to appreciate it is skewing credit. Also, which is like extroverted thinking, and our wants, which is Introverted Intuition makes us feel like we the only tool we have makes us feel like that the only tool we have is to be helpful as Crusaders.
But we don’t get credit for helping anyone unless someone first asks us for it. Because unmasked, it’s just part of your personality. But if they asked for it, then you’re helping them. That’s my take.
That’s what he says. So yeah, awesome. Thank you for saying that, Robert. And he’s absolutely right.
That is another way to prevent this from devolve into caretaking. I don’t know how many times I offer unsolicited advice. It’s an extremely bad habit. And then I give that unsolicited advice and then I get bitter towards the person for not contributing to me in some way when I need them to contribute or at least when I want them to contribute to me.
And that is something that’s that’s like si inferior depravity. But the thing is, it’s still a crusader Quadra based covert contract. If you think about it, even Dr. Robert Glover talks about this in his book No more Mr.
Nice Guy and if you are a male Crusader type, meaning you are a male SF Jey or NTP type and you haven’t read no more Mr. Nice Guy. Stop watching this video right now. Go to CS joseph.ly.
Forward slash reading. Get yourself a free Audible account with my link, and then download no more Mr. Nice Guy and start listening to it immediately. You will get it for free.
You have no excuse. Go do it. If you’re a crusader, man, and you are not listening to that book. What are you doing with your life? You are literally failing everybody in your life.
You’re failing your family. You are failing society. You’re failing your children. You’re failing yourself.
If you do not know the context, the contents of that book No more Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover, who has been a guest on the show multiple times. You can watch that, go to our YouTube channel search Robert Glover and you can watch me interview him.
He’s an amazing EMTP fantastic fellow. Love the guy. So please, please, please, please be aware. Be aware of that.
Okay. So read the book. Okay. But yeah, like honestly, like Crusaders, you have no business.
You have no business corporate contracting or no business caretaking anyone. If you if they never even asked you for your help to begin with, if you offer help, the offer of help is actually your responsibility. And because you offered you can’t expect anything in return. To do so means you’re just being entitled.
And nobody, nobody wants to be around a crusader type who behaves that way? So make sure you don’t. All right. So yeah, that is my answer to Lorenzo’s question. So anyway, folks, I hope that definitely helped you all in your life and your life path as well.
So thanks for watching, and I’ll see you guys in the next episode.
