ENFJ Cruelty, What Can Be Done? | CS Joseph Responds
ENFJ Cruelty, What Can Be Done? CS Joseph Responds to the Acolyte question, how can an ENFJ stop being cruel to their family?
Transcript:
Welcome to CS Joseph podcast. I’m your host, CS Joseph. Today’s question, How can an ENFJ woman stop being cruel to her own family? What a great question. More but I’m gonna answer more of an in general towards NF J’s? I mean, short answer is you can’t.
But let’s actually explain why that is and what they can do to actually, like, work on that. So this comes from our season seven content. If you haven’t watched the season seven playlist for the podcast, I highly recommend you do so. And I explore the virtues and the vices of the individual 16 types basically, granted.
Granted, you know, the reality of the situation is, is that if you’re looking at Okta, Graham compared to the content of season seven, talking about virtues and vices, they’re not the same thing as what we call living virtues or deadly sins, right? They’re not the same thing. You know, that’s, that’s more of an octagon thing that helps you determine a person’s cognitive focus, ultimately. That’s where that comes from. So that’s the thing, right? Ultimately, you know, like you use use deadly sins, living virtues determined cognate focus, but that’s not what we’re discussing.
We’re discussing virtues and vices from our season seven content. So from a season from Season Seven perspective, diversity in the vise of the ENFJ is benevolence versus cruelty, right? So benevolence versus cruelty. benevolence is defined as you know, just being overall a good person, helping other people being very helpful individual, teaching them and proving people giving them a good experience being memorable. This is why ENFJ is oftentimes especially ENFJ.
Women are really good cooks, very good at hosting parties hosting events, the very good for event coordination, if you’re gonna hire someone for event coordination, do yourselves a favor and don’t get any ISTJ and said get an ENFJ. They always you know, they always have this perspective of Go big or go home and it really makes your events just absolutely amazing. So if you’re trying to hire somebody for like events to a point, then I’d highly recommend doing it from that point of view. So check that out.
I highly recommend it. Now, the vise side, however, is cruelty. And, you know, that’s because, you know, people oscillate back and forth between their virtue in their vise on a consistent basis, right. My Virtru advice, my virtue is sincerity.
I’m just going to tell the truth. But the thing is, my advice is insincerity. Which means I have the penchant for lying. And no one is better at lying than an NTP.
I know when lies more than an NTP, then also you have to deal with the curse of you know, all liars go to hell, right. That’s not a fun situation to be in as an NTP. Hey, at least I don’t have the vise of cruelty. Which e Nf J’s have in spades.
Because they go out of their way to be the opposite of cruel, very nice, helpful caring to other people. But then all of a sudden, you know, once those people get close, then they see the ENFJ for what they can really be like, which is also insanely cruel. Cruelty continues to be a big problem or a big deal for ESF J’s. And I oftentimes, you know, I feel bad for them, I feel bad, that that ends up becoming a huge issue in their life.
But it’s even more sinister than that. Cruelty goes even way farther than that. And the thing is, is that NF j’s to newer people in their life, they give people such a high benefit of the doubt, basically, that they’re not cruel, people that they meet freshly for the first time. They’re actually very, very understanding, very caring, very helpful.
They give them a great experience. They put all their energy into making that very good first impression. And that benevolence, is really attached to giving that really great first impression, right? They’re all about first impressions. There’s nothing wrong with that.
There’s really nothing wrong with that at all. Except for let’s say, you know, they make that really good first impression. This particular individual, they made a very good first impression on that they’ve helped them out, but they’ve taught them. It’s like all of a sudden, they’ve roped them in the ENFJ is wrote that person into their inner circle basically, or they are close to that person.
And the closer a person is to an ENFJ, the crueler the ENFJ becomes basically, that sucks. It sucks a lot. It especially sucks when you are an immediate family member basically have an to an ENFJ, right? Because when you’re a first round, they’re super benevolent to you. I mean, like, for example, my, my INFJ aunt.
Her name is her name’s Debra. She’s an amazing human being one of the best human beings I’ve ever met in my life. She’s always there for everyone, she she even started this food drive called fill the bus. And she’s a, she’s a bus driver.
She’s driven the bus, buses for the local school district, as long as I’ve ever known her. And she’ll set up buses in front of grocery stores. And it’s like this food drive that she’d do every year for Thanksgiving. And then everyone fill the bus full of food, basically.
And they give away that food to the local food bank, or whatever food banks had the highest need. It’s absolutely amazing. And that’s done for complete strangers and benevolence from an ENFJ is often spent on complete strangers, more so than their immediate family. That’s not to say that benevolence can’t be there for their immediate family.
Because if we were to compare my father who is very benevolent, towards people in his church, because he’s a pastor of a church, he’s always there for them. He’s always trying to help them consistently. He’s always been about helping other people, as soon as I can remember. So that but where the cruelty comes in, is that this is where you know, his firstborn son can literally claim Hey, Dad, why did you put the church? Why don’t you put complete strangers above me your son in your upbringing, right.
And that ends up being a problem. That’s an example of his cruelty, right? Because the reality of the situation is NF J’s big because they’re, you know, their immediate family isn’t strangers to them, they end up feeling stressed out, because they end up giving so much to people in general. And that’s where their benevolence is, well, they become tired, they become tired, they become, you know, they I’ve given so much, they’re very interest based. And they see like, they’re constantly creating this win lose scenario where other people are winning, and they themselves are losing, right, because they’re giving so much to other people, right.
So when that happens, the people closest to them have to take on the burden of the loss created by the benevolent ENFJ to the point where the ENFJ becomes cruel, and stops giving to the people who are closest to them, the people that are not strangers, whereas they’ll give and give consistently to complete strangers on a regular basis, but to their own immediate family, they end up being very cruel. And this is actually a problem that extroverted Templars have in general, where they treat the closest people to them, like total dogshit. Like that’s a thing that’ll that’ll happen over and over and over. But to complete strangers, like ooh, shiny and new person, they’ll make that really good first impression.
They’ll give a lot to that person, but there’ll be they’ll give so much, they’ll give too much. And then they become drained, right. This actually also happened between me and my ENFJ ex Kim, she would give so much to other people, that there wouldn’t be anything left over for me. This also it happened within the context of my relationship with Railgun.
She would give so much to other people, that there would not be enough for me. And this is something that she’s admitted to many times and this is something that she has been working through in therapy basically. And out of all the 16 types. The types that benefit the most from therapy are ESTPs and NF J’s.
It’s so funny extroverted Templars benefit the absolute most from therapy. And then with introverted Templars as the as like, you know, the runners up basically in terms of people who benefit from therapy. But they’re so affiliative in their constant focus on doing the right thing. They don’t realize that they’re giving in such a way with Introverted Sensing trickster.
And when they give and they’re being benevolent to others, they don’t know when to stop. They have a hard time saying no, they become these glorified people pleasers and they become drained, right? So they become drained because they’re constantly giving other people. So when they come home to their families, there’s nothing left for them to give their own family. So all that’s left over is their cruelty vise and they are cruel to the people closest to them.
They are cruel to people within their immediate family, basically, right? This is a huge, huge issue that they that they struggle with. And the reason why is is because they lack this self discipline to say, no, they lightly entirely lack of self discipline, they have a hard time saying no even to strangers, because they can’t even keep track of how little they’ve given to their own immediate family compared to how much they’ve given to complete strangers. Now, the wisest ENFPs out there, like my ENFJ on, for example, and I love her, I love her dearly, dearly love her, she doesn’t really like me that much. But I, I, I am a huge fan.
I’m a huge fan of her, I’m a huge fan, like, she one time gave me $20,000 To start a business, like, she is amazing. i And while that business failed, and I feel bad about it, you know, my cousin, I worked out a situation where she got paid back, and I thank her, and I thank him for all of that. You know, and then my cousin recently became the victim of development phase, basically, his wife, you know, just wow, development phase sucks for those of you that know what development phases, but you know, is ENFJ Mother was right there for him. And she was able to be benevolent towards her son within the context of her own immediate family.
And I just love that she learned, because I believe she’s unconscious, developed, she learned, you know, through wisdom that, you know, hey, what business do I have helping random people helping strangers if I can’t even help the people that are at home, and I love that about her that she’s actually figured that out? I love that. She learned that at certain times in her life. She just has to say no to people. And she does.
She really does say no to people. You know, most people think that saying yes to people, when you’re giving is very virtuous. The thing is, is that it always has a cost, it always has a cost. And this cost because you know, ENFJ is your interest base, they need to realize and count the cost of how much they’re giving and how much they’re draining themselves, even the point of draining their own family, their families, time, attention, resources, for the benefit of complete strangers, either family.
My parents, my father, he was second in command of as an associate pastor, basically, of a religious cult that I grew up in. And it was a cult, you know, he still potentially denies that label to this day. But there’s a gentleman by the name of Greg, who was trying to explain everyone Hey, yeah, this is actually a cold. This is actually a problem.
I wish my dad listened to my dad condemned Him. Big time for that perspective. But Greg was actually very correct and saying that it was a cult, and I do not, I don’t deny it. You know, I was I was heavily abused by this religious cult that I grew up in.
And that’s the thing is that, like, my father couldn’t even see it. Because my father was so focused on the people. And there was a point in time where my parents should have taken our family and left the cult, they had an opportunity to do that. But my parents, especially my father decided not to because, quote, we need to stay for the other families, like great, so you’re gonna sacrifice our family for the sake of other families? Why are you making those other people more important than your own son? Why are you making those other people more important than your own daughter.
And my parents didn’t even leave the cult until my younger sister, a golden child, because, you know, I’m the black sheep, my sister as the golden child, for example. Again, I’m not blaming anyone, I’m just stating facts here. facts without judgment. That it got to a point where it wasn’t until my sister and her husband left the cult basically because my, the leader of the cult actually publicly shamed them on a Sunday morning service at one point in time.
And I think I was 2223 24 when this happened. And and they and they were, my sister was married to her ISFP husband, they have a golden parents. It’s great. They have a great relationship.
And I love both of them. They think her husband might hate my guts, but I love them both. But I’m not welcome in their lives. And that’s okay.
I don’t I don’t mind. But the point is, though, is that it wasn’t until the golden child left the cult that all sudden my parents decided, okay, yeah, this is actually more valuable for us to leave. And it took an outsider to the family, my ISFP brother in law to make that decision in order for my parents to actually follow him out of the religious cult, you know, versus me being loyal, introverted, sensing inferior basically stuck around, stuck around for my parents being supportive to my parents, right? Because I’m ut UF. And I was being a people pleaser with my super underdeveloped ISFJ subconscious.
And then also and serving basically when I am basically serving my abusers because I had this really insanely bad Stockholm syndrome for the religious cult that was abusing me personally, and abusing my ESFP wife at the time. You know, I, I do not blame her, I do not blame my ESFP wife for not wanting to be married to me anymore or not willing to have anything to do with me or my family because of that really, really abusive situation that I brought her into, like, I don’t I don’t blame her. I don’t I just regret that I didn’t have any of the mental tools, much less the self respect, or the self acceptance, which would lead to the self awareness needed to actually get out of that situation. Because quite frankly, I was just a fool.
I was totally foolish in those days. I’m glad I don’t have that thinking now, and I’ve had to figure it out on my own. And I have, but you know, it is written, the first will be last and last week first. And throughout my entire upbringing I’ve been last.
So now it’s going to be my turn to be first. And I’m very much looking forward to that. Because I just know answered my prime as a man just began my prime. I’m now in my prime officially, as of my birthday this year, in 2023.
So how does an ENFJ much less an ENFJ woman stop being cruel to people in their family? Well, they need to learn how to say no, they need to learn they need to actually exercise the self discipline to stop giving to strangers, they need to make sure that they are giving to their family first, and not allowing strangers or other people who are not in their family to take advantage of them. Because the more they allow strangers the more they give to strangers, the less they have to give to their own family. That’s how they stop the cruelty. But if that doesn’t happen, they’re going to remain cruel because they will allow outsiders to drain them and because they are drained all that’s left there’s no benevolence left inside, they only have certain amount of benevolence per day.
There’s nothing left but cruelty and they will be cruel, even to members of their own family. Like my dad, there is a lot of times he’s very cool to me, you know, much less like, like, you know, cuz like for me, you know, when I was growing up in our in our cultist church, you know, I was like, I used to be 100 pounds, I weighed 287 pounds when I went to high school as a 14 year old 287 pounds. My dad was like, have other men at the church, you know, poke my belly and call me Doughboy? Basically, I resented that so much, but I just so wanted so desperate with my Fe child to please my father, that I allowed that to happen, right? And it’s because I lacked self respect. So I didn’t even understand self respect, because I had FYI trickster, right.
My cognitive development wasn’t finished, my cognitive focus wasn’t finished. And that’s ultimately one of the reasons why I became UD UF from an octagon perspective as an intp because of my father’s cruelty, cruelty that existed, because he was giving so much to other people in the church that he had nothing left to give his own family at home. And given that my mother is an iossef J, and a fellow extroverted feeler, okay, who was not producing any FYI, my dad was not being energized by my mother because she was also draining him technically, because his FY Nemesis could only provide so much FYI. And he was already giving it to other people outside of our family.
And then she was draining it too. So there’s absolutely nothing left for the children. Well, guess what, all their their children Extroverted Feelers as well, which cause additional problems. If my dad had the sense, which he didn’t, because as si tricks are, where a person’s sense is basically, because of his si trickster, he didn’t have the sense to say no, he didn’t have the sense to place the people at home at a higher level than people that we’d meet at the church.
He treated everybody the same. And that’s the problem. The NFJ’s had an ENFP friend, who was with an ENFJ girlfriend for a long time. He had me typer interview her and everything and I did typer typed her ENFJ.
It’s one of my very first typings This is before I actually knew I was in the intp. At least I got that one. Right. And it is my number one criticism with her is that she would treat everybody else this she would treat everyone the same, including him.
And she’d have her attention divert to other people. And he’s like, no, no, no. You need to put me first as your lover as your man. We’re getting married.
Okay, well, he decided not to marry her. He decided not to marry her and he didn’t. He had ended up breaking up over this. Because she couldn’t say no to just everyone.
She could only say no. She didn’t say no, she couldn’t say no at all. So she ended up giving everyone and she ended up draining them and then draining herself she was drained and then because that she would drain him and the process of draining him came out in the form of their her cruelty vise. Wow.
That really really sucks. So again, ENFJ is to avoid that. Make sure you take my advice, exercise a self discipline to say no. Make sure that the people closest to you are the ones who are getting the money.
jority of your benevolence and not people outside of the people, you know outside of that outside of your family outside of your immediate family outside of the people closest to you. Make sure that they’re the ones getting the benefit of your benevolence and not other people, because you’re gonna be so drained that you’re going to become cruel to everyone else. Don’t do that. So many folks, thanks for watching and listening, and I’ll see you guys in the next episode.
