8 Rules for Loving an ESFJ | Season 27 | CS Joseph
8 Rules for Loving an ESFJ | Season 27 | CS Joseph
Transcript:
Hey, guys, it’s Chase with CS Joseph dot life did another episode for season 27. This is Episode Five. What are the eight rules for loving ESF J’s. It’s kind of taken me a bit to get to it.
But I mean, that’s what happens when I have the flu for 11 days. And then I get hospitalized after having the flu for another three to five days, whoever knows how long it’s been. And now I’m fasting. So I’ll be fasting for a while to try to get my gut microbiome under control again.
But in the meantime, it’s not going to stop me from filming lectures, especially going on nice therapeutic walks in the process. So but yeah, ESF J’s, we all love ESF js, you know, the most self sacrificing of all the types of the most caring and helpful and lovingly devoted of all the types people who are committed, committed to giving you your heart’s every desire, and committed to making you feel good. And you know, and constantly care for you on a regular basis. Very, very into caregiving, as is their virtue.
And, but I mean, from the Type grid. And if you don’t have a type grid, if you don’t know what the type grid is, the Type grid is basically a document that we created to help people learn how to type others, we don’t rely on MBTI tests here within this community. So go to CS Joseph dot life, and on the homepage, scroll down, put in your email, and hit check the check mark on being 16 years old, and your name and then hit submit and you’ll be emailed a copy of the type grade. You can use this document to type yourself and others.
If you don’t know how to use it, you can learn how by watching season two and season 15 playlist here on this YouTube channel. So you can get properly educated, which awesome. But anyway, speaking about their type grid position, their interaction style or communication style as some people call it is known as the starter because they are starters, they have a hard time finishing things, which means they’re informative, which means that like beating around the bush in the very indirect in their speech, and they are initiating so they like to initiate things initiate with other people, they’re always going to other people looking for opportunities to help other people. And they’re very movement, which means they’re very progress focused, they don’t care about achieving necessary outcomes and as much as they care about achieving progress, because the outcome is not as important as much as the journey is important to them.
And such as the way of a movement types will inform initiating movement, much like myself, therefore they are a starter type, their temperament. They’re known as The Guardian, The Guardian temperament, which are past focused duty based protectors very safety oriented, all about doing their duty. I know a lot of ESF J firefighters out there, especially men, for example, some ESF J, police officers, as well as military folks and the like. Doing all these duty based professions, etc.
So with that being said, though, you know, perchance in your life, you come across an ESFJ you’re attracted to them that could be male or female, and then you decide to have a long lasting, intimate or intimate relationship with them or a marriage. Who knows, right? But you’re having, you’re having a relationship with them. And you realize part along the way, something’s not quite right. Why is that? reason why is because each of the 16 types are not by default compatible with every other type if you want to learn about compatibility, watch season five to kind of understand the basic cognitive mechanics behind how behind how compatibility works.
It’s known as cognitive sync synchronicity and again, when I say seasons, these are all playlists are available on his YouTube channel or you could find them quite easily on our podcast, just look up the CS Joseph podcast on Spotify or something. It’s like everywhere, so you should be able to find it. When I lost my train of thought where it was I talking about. Well, I mean, it is what it is, right? So probably I’ll get back to you.
I get back on that train. Not exactly 100% Right now, you know, post hospital situation But videos have not been posted some reason so I’m like, I need to walk. So I’m gonna be filming anyway. And it’s nice and cool out.
And I’m kind of enjoying the cool air, quite frankly. And there’s tons of animals a little bit the place right now too. So it’s also interesting. It’s a little nature walk.
But anyway. So So back on track your XO, perhaps you, you you’re in a relationship with an ESF J and, you know, types of people, they’re not exactly like, compatible with everyone. Oh, season 12. After you watch season five, you need to watch season 12 season 12 that playlist because it explains compatibility.
Now, the reason why is because when you’re looking at compatibility, you know, when you say certain things to certain people, like if you’re a TI user, you often say the statement, I think, right? If you’re an FBI user, you often say the statement I feel or I believe, right. And because of that people end up having different emotional reactions to what you’re saying and how you communicate. And this can lead to unnecessary conflicts in your relationship, right? So if you want to optimize your relationship with an ESF J, you have to learn how to speak their language right? Or quite frankly, speak their love language. And I’m going to give you eight rules to follow to make sure that you are always speaking their love language as practically as possible.
And no, I’m not talking about the five love languages. Although I will be doing content about the five love languages in the future. Don’t get me wrong, it will happen. But until such time, let’s actually just focus on the union analytical psychology for now.
And talk about cognitive functions and how they work cognitive axes and cognitive orbits and how they work in terms of an ESF J to make sure that you’re in a position to have the absolute best relationship possible with this person. Because for example, if you were to go up to this person and tell them if you’re going to tell them like hey, you know, 07:14 you know, I think this and that well and ESF j is liable being offended. Because the ESF J in relationship elects themselves, the thinker of the relationship. They elect themselves the truth teller of the relationship.
And they actually expect the burden of listening to not necessarily be on their shoulders, but on the shoulders of their spouse or their partner, their intimate partner. This can be really confusing for a lot of people, especially if you’re a fellow ti user, and you’re having a relationship with any SF Jey. And ESF J’s, because of TI inferior, if their ti inferior is not really well developed. And they, I mean, they’re not really prone to listening.
So it’s hard as a TI user to get them to listen to you, it’s really hard because they have this thing where everyone’s going to listen to me. And if no one listens to me, no one gets an opinion. And no one gets to speak my voice is the most important voice. Of course, I’ve just triggered a lot of the ESF J’s when I say this, but the thing is, is that they all walk around thinking they have the best ideas, they walk around, oftentimes, you know, especially immature ones thinking that they’re right about things, that they’re sensible thoughts.
And because of the most sensible, that makes them the most right, which is incorrect, and actually can lead to ignorance and them having their heads in the sand, which is also really frustrating when you’re in an intimate relationship with an ESF J. They provide a lot of benefits, but there’s a lot of downsides. But then again, that’s, that’s how it is with every single one of the 16 types. This is why I recommend compatibility.
When we’re talking about compatibility for relationships. Don’t forget, like folks, don’t forget, like, you can have sexual compatibility. And that’s great. You can have emotional compatibility, that’s great.
You could have both, that’s great. But here’s the bottom line, if you don’t have sexual compatibility, the relationship is not even going to work. It’s just not. It’s not because you can’t communicate your way through sex.
You can’t. It’s either natural, or it’s artificial, forced, right? And if it’s not, if it’s natural, great. And if you have like that natural cohesion between two partners in the bedroom, fantastic. But if you don’t have that, well then the relationships going to fall apart.
Even if you have the highest emotional compatibility and you’re able to communicate on a level that makes sense. And you have all that great. Well, thing is though, without that sexual compatibility is just gonna blow up in your face. Now, regardless, you could follow these eight rules and get results in both a little bit and sexual side but it’s mostly applicable to emotional compatibility.
Let’s be honest but The thing is, though, is that even people with super high sexual compatibility still have struggles anyway, like, for example, an intp INFJ relationship intp is still or INFJs. Either ones still need to be educated about how the other person is because people have this problem, they have the serious problem where everyone is judging everyone else by their own standard. Like that would be like me expecting everyone else in the world to be just like me, and then judging everyone, for being just like me, which is extremely ignorant. But guess what, that’s the default mode of thinking most people have, especially in Western society.
And you know, and now of course, some people just cringe when I say, especially in Western society, but the thing is, it’s gotten that way due to the fact that there’s so many cultures colliding at once, instead of places outside of Western society, where there’s just one culture and one way of doing things in one system and one affiliative and not very much room for pragmatism, whereas Western society actually provides far more room for pragmatism. This is why you know, which most people like okay, okay, Mr. CS. Joseph, you just contradicted yourself because the United States of America, you said it’s an SJ society? Yes, it is an SJ society.
But it’s an SJ society that was first formed on the basis of pragmatism, because pragmatism is literally the the number one result, written results of pragmatism on this planet, it’s a Declaration of Independence. It was written by pragmatics. You know, the number one author of the Declaration of Independence, the number one mastermind behind the Declaration of Independence was Benjamin Franklin. And he was pragmatic, right.
So taken from principles that he would speak on publicly, when you get up on a soapbox, you know, before and during the French and Indian War, and be like, hey, we need to like, stop doing the affiliative thing and bowing down before this English King who’s just helping himself to all of our work, and we’re not getting anything out of it, right. So that can be a concern. So based on that, it’s just really, you know, you got to, you got to realize that, you know, you can’t be judging people based on your standard, it is everyone’s responsibility to find out about someone else’s nature, like their personality type, and then judge them according to the best version of who they can be for their type. Instead of expecting everyone else to behave just like you, or behave like people who are compatible to you.
That’s another one. And that’s really frustrating. So just keep that in mind folks. Like, that’s why the eight rules for love were created to begin with, to give people a nice little blueprint that they can follow to have immediate results within their relationships, right.
So with that, let’s begin the eight rules. 13 minutes in for ESF J’s. So the first one is rule number one, is, basically tell the ESF j what you value or share them your value system. Now this is extremely hard if you’re not an F fi user.
It also means like also share your beliefs with them as well. Because your beliefs and how you do things. The ESF J will focus on that because they have a hard time valuing themselves. And they only really come to a point where they value themselves based on whether or not they can make you happy.
ESF j’s are notorious for people pleasing, absolutely notorious, and notorious for being doormats and self sacrificing. They’re also notorious for covert contracting, which comes from their vise of caretaking this concept of, whoo, I’m going to care for you. But because I’ve cared for you, that gives me the right to take from you anytime I want. It’s kind of like when an SF Jey parent decides to help their 16 year old child get a car.
But then they make sure that the parents name is on the car and not the child’s name, et cetera. And it stays that way indefinitely, so that they always have the ability to call Grand Theft Auto and play that card in order to control their child in case that SFJ decides to feel unwanted one day. If you don’t think that’s true, I’ve personally witnessed that issue occur many, many times in my life, and the lives of others in the lives of those close to me. That’s a fact that happens.
And if you’re not aware that that kind of manipulation happens on the part of ESF J’s, you’re out of your mind. So ESF J’s continue to continue to have these struggles. So you know, and as part of that, it’s necessary to get to a point where are, you know, you just kind of have to know where they work. And the thing is, though, is that if you don’t tell them what you value, they’re not really going to know how to behave.
They’re already worried because ESF J’s, or someone will self deprecating of all the types, they get to the point where they themselves are afraid of, you know, not doing a good job, they’re afraid that they’re failing you, they’re afraid that they’re not doing their duty of the due diligence by you, you who they care about dearly, you who they are loyal to. So you have to tell them what you value, you have to tell them. What makes you feel good, right? Tell them how you feel. Now it’s really hard for fellow ti users because ti users don’t really care about how they feel they care about what it’s true, false.
And since they’re going all true, false a, you know, I think this and I think that when they’re communicating with ESF j that actually can stomp their Inferior function, and that can leads their demon coming out and then destroying the relationship. From an emotional compatibility standpoint. It could lead to an absolute, an absolute failure, quite frankly. So not something, not something I recommend.
16:17 So if you’re a TI user, in this situation, make sure that you change your sentence structure, when you’re speaking to an ESF J lover of yours, and you’re a TI user. So like, for example, if an ESF j is in a relationship with an ISTP or an ESTP, those STPs would have to say, instead of I think they have to say the word I feel because then the ESF j is actually receptive to what’s being said. And otherwise the ESF j is going to feel offended if the SDP is constantly saying I think this I think I think I think because then all of a sudden the ESF j is perceiving that they become they become indignant as a result. And Dignitas means a negative reaction.
When dealing with perceived unfair treatment, and they think they’re being treated unfairly. They assume they’re being treated unfairly because it’s like, oh, you know, my STP doesn’t value my thoughts. My SCP thinks I’m stupid because I’m because he’s always telling me what he thinks all the time. And I don’t get a chance to say what I think.
Right. So if you’re an STP in relationship with ESF J, practically speaking, it’s your job to say the words I feel instead of, I think, saying this will make the ESF J more receptive, even though what the points that you’re making to the ESF j are logic and nature. You just wrap it up and say the words I feel instead. Because by doing that, they’re more willing to actually listen to what you’re having to say.
And they don’t feel attacked, right? So, rule number one for ESF J’s, tell them how you feel. Tell them what you value. Or say the words I feel instead of the words. I think rule number one, there you have it.
Rule number two. And that’s their little loyalty complex that they have. They’re diehard, hardcore loyal to you, basically. And they love to receive whatever sensations especially in the bedroom, you can offer with the full force of your abilities, to exert yourself upon them, because that’s what they want.
They they really like some Well, I mean, like some powerful action, I guess, is the most appropriate way of saying this. But anyway. But Rule number two is you have to always be devoted to making them comfortable, and feeling safe. The reason why is ESF J’s, they walk around in fear, they’re actually afraid.
They’re afraid of unforeseen consequences. And if you don’t communicate with them, if you don’t, you know, if you don’t communicate with them and tell them what they should be doing. So that’s basically Rule number two, tell an ESF j what they should be doing. If you don’t tell them how they can best serve you basically, they’re gonna freak out.
They need to know how to best serve you. And they and they’re not going to be comfortable until you tell them how they can best serve you. Because knowing that they have served you best in a certain way, knowing how they can be best loyal to you in a certain way that makes them feel a lot safer and comfortable with in the relationship. Now in general, I would say yeah, make your ESF J as comfortable as possible.
Of course, I’d say that but it goes a little bit deeper because Introverted Sensing is combining with extroverted feeling hero in this regard, since Introverted Sensing is their second function and link the second rule the eight rules, you have to make them you have to make them know how to best serve you how they can be best loyal to you how they can They do their duty by you, et cetera, how best they can contribute to you. You have to inform them what your expectations of them are. Now, naturally, you know, let’s say you’re an ISFP in relationship with ESF J and that’s a golden pair. Everything is just so natural between the two of you ISFP just appreciate that the ESF J just goes and volunteers and does the dishes straight away.
After the ISFP is done cooking done creating the meal for the day, or sometimes the ESF J cooks. Because the ISFP is too busy. Who knows. But the bottom line is, is that the ISFP can rely on the ESF J’s servitude, basically.
And that servitude is a component of the loyalty that’s being conveyed to the ISFP in this in this golden pair relationship. Absolutely important. Well, the problem is that most people don’t even realize, like, you know, like how complex it is because they just assume that’s just what good people do. And ESF j’s are foolish if they’re focused on doing the right thing, you need to give them the opportunity to be affiliative.
The thing is, is that they do not often know how they can be affiliative. They just don’t. And it’s because no one told them. You have to communicate to your ESF J, how, how they can serve you how, what their duties are, what they should be doing.
This is very, very important, also as something to do a little bit with rule seven, but we’ll get there as well. The ESF J just wants to be as loyal to you as possible. So why would you take away that opportunity? Besides, they get scared, they get really scared and feel insecure in their relationship, if you don’t tell them what their duties are. Because then they’re like, I’m failing, I’m failing, I’m failing my lover, and then things fall apart.
And then actually, it creates disloyalty in them and they become disloyal to their partner, and then they start becoming loyal to a different partner, right? Which leads to cheating. So keep that in mind, folks. Rule number two, you have to explain to them, you know, what they should be doing for your benefit within the relationship, otherwise, they’ll freak out. So rule number three, always make your ESFJ feel desired or be desirous for them.
You have to be willing, especially when it comes to sexuality, you have to be willing to initiate with them is not their job to initiate with you. And given that they have si parent. It’s a pessimistic, Introverted Sensing and pessimistic Introverted Sensing is not exactly keen on initiating with people willfully, right. Whereas si optimistic do actually initiate sexuality on a consistent basis.
But this is why I like putting s functions in terms of sexual compatibility, and optimistic slots instead of pessimistic slots, you know, for that reason, but more on sexual intimacy later in a separate in a separate season. So the point is, it’s it’s really necessary just make make them feel wanted. Even telling them even like not following rule two will make them default feel unwanted. Because, again, in order to keep their high level of loyalty, and to you as their lover, or them the via loyal to you, they have to feel wanted first.
So give them what they want by making them feel wanted. Always include them on things. Always be committed to showing them things, make them feel wants by showing them new things, and giving them new experiences. And by doing it of your own will and don’t feel obligated to do this.
But the thing is, as soon as they start to realize that you’re obligated in that way, or you feel obligated, that way, they’ll actually feel even more unwanted and shy away from you and become loyal to somebody else. So rule number three is always make your ESF J feel wanted. Rule number four. Number four, really stressful rule but really necessary.
And I take issue with it because I absolutely hate being the victim of their Inferior function. I absolutely hate it because I oftentimes just have to unleash my critic and then my demon upon their ti inferior because, like sometimes, you know, people like me are biased against ESF J’s, because people like me sometimes assume that they’re just being stupid. And that’s one of the worst things you could ever tell an ESFJ is that they’re stupid. They’ll take great offense.
It will create hatred in their hearts towards you. So rule number For. 25:02 Don’t ever call your ESFJ stupid, but also make sure that you always listen. Always listen to your ESFJ because if you don’t, they will force you to listen at one point in time, and they will force you to be very mean.
They will steamroll you. So how do you do this? Always listen to your ESFJ even if you feel or think they’re incorrect, if you believe they’re incorrect, or if you if you feel they’re incorrect, if you think if you know for a fact they’re incorrect, it’s your job to still listen to them. They just want to be listened to. That’s all they care about.
You hear about those those traditional relationship, old wives tales about how Oh, you know, sometimes women don’t want you to solve the problem. They just want you to listen to them. Okay, well, that’s an ESF J. That tradition.
And funnily enough, ESF j’s are extremely common, especially in women. So ESF J women are kind of like the cause for that. old wives tale of relationship advice of you know, women in general, don’t want you all women don’t want you to solve their problem. They just want you to, you know, just to listen.
And that’s literally rule for for ESF J’s especially ESF J, when but man, it’s the same thing. If you don’t listen to them, they feel immediately disrespected. And they will work to you know, use the affiliative and harm your reputation and other things, which can be just absolutely terrible. So rule number four, always listen to the ESF J, even if they’re wrong, similar to the NF J’s, it’s just a major, major need.
And if you disagree with them, you have to say, that’s a really good point. But did you think about this, you always gotta be like, good, you got always got to give him a pat on the back. Good job for spending all that time thinking. Thank you very much for all that thinking you just did.
And then swish it to. But did you think about this? Oh, no, I didn’t think about that. Well, I mean, you’re right. But then if you add in this extra thing that you didn’t think about, then it completely changes everything, doesn’t it? Well, yes, it’s like, well, well, I guess you’re just gonna have to take action, then.
Or you’re just gonna have to trust me to handle it. Because you obviously aren’t gonna be able handle it because you didn’t do all the thinking that you should have now didn’t show, right. And this ends up becoming the primary issue, as to why ESF J’s end up cheating on their partners, because it’s like, you know, other than obviously, feeling unwanted by them, but not being listened to is something far worse, because it’s like, wow, I’m just being treated like I’m just some stupid automaton, I’m just nothing more than a, a servitude robot like the one from the Jetsons, you know, that’s literally what, what ESFJ is start thinking at that point. So you can’t do that to them, you know, because from their point of view, the more supportive they are of you, the more they have a right to be listened to.
And that’s all it is. Let them support, you just understand that it comes to the cost of listening to them, even if they’re wrong, and sometimes listening to them can take hours. So you have to have the patience of just being I’ll sit there and listen to what they’re saying. Even though you may already know the outcome of them being completely incorrect, but you have to take the time to explain why they’re incorrect.
You can’t just tell them like, whoa, I’m the authority figure. And you’re wrong because of this. I mean, doing that to any human being, regardless of time is stupid. Let’s be honest.
So because he is FJ is they’re not stupid. They’re just, they’re usually just misinformed. They don’t have enough input. And if they don’t have enough input to think about things, as usually your fault, it’s usually your fault.
So anyway, rule number five, they worry about how they feel all the time they worry about their self worth, they worry that they’re not a good enough person are good enough for you and their relationship. How do you fix that? Well, guess what? It’s your job to make sure that you give them recognition, that’s Rule five, give your ESFJ recognition, the more right and so you have to show them gratitude, you have to show them appreciation for all of the support that they give you with their Fe hero. If not, they will assume that you they are doing a bad job. And they will take it very emotionally hard, they’ll become even more emotionally self deprecating.
And not only that, they’ll start overcompensating in their behavior. When they start overcompensating, they start making critical mistakes and then they start making decisions that they should not be making decisions and that actually ends up harming you their partner. Not a good thing. If you’re showing gratitude and I don’t mean show gratitude for everything if there’s something that the if they’re supporting you in a wrong way and this is where this book we’re helping hurts helps.
Or the book codependent no more helps because more the book attached those three Books ESF J’s need to read those three books, and the partners of ESF J’s, they need to read those books. So they know how to challenge the ESF J properly because sometimes ESF J help is actually destructive. So you have to provide them consistent feedback. That’s Rule five, provide them with feedback.
They need feedback to understand if they’re doing a good job or not, you know, but also making sure that you’re giving them gratitude when they do a good job. And you reward them. Hey, you did such a great job on this thing. I’m gonna go take you to dinner tonight.
That’s a big deal. You were awarded for incensing with a a nice, lovely meal experience for the evening. Something that makes them feel special because of something they did good. So quite frankly, it’s like this.
Rule five is, if they make you feel special, you need to reciprocate and make them feel special. If you don’t reciprocate. Well, guess what? They’re not gonna be loyal to you anymore. And they’re going to be loyal to somebody who does reciprocate.
So you don’t want to like find ESFJ cheating on you. While you might want to fix that. Rule number six. You need to go out of your way to be clean.
Stop leaving your dirty socks on the floor. Stop being a slob, like seriously. ESF j’s are like the opposite of slob, they will clean everything. Everything will be detailed to the letter.
They do this consistently. Why do they do it consistently, because they’re very critical towards the physical environment. And they go out of their ways to make sure that they’re well dressed and well clean and Harriston properly. Everything is very official, everything is very special with these people.
So why tell me? Why would you not to follow their lead and that situation, because you’re just making their job to support you harder for just leaving your dirty socks and underwear on the floor all the time, and not actually taking some responsibility. So every now and then, rule number six, do some chores, like do some shared, do some of the shared work, and make sure that you’re doing this little things every now and then like doing the dishes every now and then. And you ask them, Hey, do I want to do the dishes right now? Do do I want to do the dishes for you right now. So that they have a choice because you don’t want to take away their opportunities to contribute as part of part of rule one, telling them how they can value you.
But you don’t want to like are telling you what telling them what you value. You don’t ever want to take away an opportunity from an ESF J to support you. Unless you’re punishing them, one of the best ways to punish an ESF J. ‘s actually do the dishes and not ask them permission and the vacuum without asking them permission.
Because you’re making them feel worthless, you’re making them feel like, Oh, he’s just doing everything himself. He either doesn’t trust me to do it, or he doesn’t think that I’m good enough to do it. And then he just kind of freak out, you know. And if you want to get their attention, so you start doing, you start doing some of their tasks and their responsibilities in the relationship.
And then they’ll you will have their attention, you know, so, but you have to give them attention in certain areas. And this is one of it. Like, make sure you’re properly dressed, make sure that you do some cleaning every now and then and that you’re not making it harder for them to support you. Also, sometimes like they’ll look at somebody like oh, that person you know, has their shoes on tight, they automatically lose respect for that person.
If they see anyone who was not well kept, they lose respect for that person. So it’s your job as their lover to be at least somewhat kept better than other people. Otherwise, the ESF j is gonna lose respect for you. Or they’re not gonna be willing to love you as much like the ESF J man in a relationship with a woman for woman just lets her body go.
Do you think that ESF J man is going to be loyal to her? You know, or vice versa? If, if the SP man have an ESFJ wife is just a total slob? Do you think that’s going to last really well? You know in the relationship? No, because she’s gonna be more interested in the more kept guy. Right? So have some self respect folks and handle your, your own selves and take care of yourselves, right seriously. 34:33 And that’s not rule number six. Rule number seven, interestingly enough, is never allow an ESFJ to make a decision by themselves.
Never. They don’t know what they want. Don’t ever put them in a situation where they’re making a decision based on their own internal desire about what they want on their own. If you let them do that, hmm, well, it’s usually because you’re not following Rule two, which is a disaster, that’s an absolute disaster.
Don’t do that. Like, you want to have a great relationship with ESFJ. Every time they make a purchasing decision, like a big one, like a car or something like that, like they can be easily sold, because, remember, their first inclination is to give other people what they want. And a salesperson is going to come by and tell them, I want you to buy this, and then they’re gonna buy it.
So think about that. Show me exactly where it’s responsible to expose your ESFJ lovers and I trickster to salespeople or social engineers, you know, show me where that makes sense. So it doesn’t make sense because it’s irresponsible. And if you allow them to just make these decisions by themselves, then you’re in for a world of hurt.
Because they’ll be really giving and giving the desires of other people that are not you at your expense, right? Maybe you should probably like, grow up and figure that out and communicate with your ESF J. And don’t forget your ESF j’s are interdependent, they’re not independent. And chances are you’re an sp watching this right now because you’re in relation with an ESF J. You’re very pragmatic and very independent yourself.
Stop expecting your ESF j to be independent themselves. They’re not independent people, they’re interdependent. They depend on you, you are to be on a team with them. Team is everything to ESF J’s.
And if they’re not on a team, they feel insecure, and they freak out. So that means when they go buy something, be on their team, and help them and I’m just using buying as an example. But there could be other decisions like choosing a school for a child to go to, et cetera. You need to be involved in all the big decisions of the ESF Jays life.
Because if you’re not involved and not telling them exactly what you want them to do, well, they’re just going to fail, because they can’t want anything. And they can’t make decisions by themselves. Let’s be honest, they just can’t, they can make decisions based on their comfort, and things that they’ve already done. But when it comes to anything new in their life, hi, what a waste.
Don’t even if you really, really want to harm yourself, allowing ESFJ to make those newer decisions and things that they’ve never done before by themselves. Yeah, because they’ll just trial and error themselves into oblivion. When you’re the person who’s supposed to be aware of what of learning from other people’s mistakes, you think that’s going to benefit and ESFJ well only benefit them if you’re communicating with them and only benefit them if you’re having to make those decisions. Right.
Don’t forget that. And the final rule, rule number eight. While you have an opinion, realize that they don’t really care about opinions, and beliefs as much as they care about what they think. You know, and like we talked about Rule Four, make sure that you’re always listening to them.
But if you’re not listening to them, it’ll get to a point where, you know, Hey excuse me, it’ll get to a point where the ESF j is like, I don’t want to hear any of your opinions anymore. Because ESF J’s like oh, you know, my lover, they’re all about how they feel and all about what they believe. Even if they’re a TI user, they’ll have that point of view, right? And at that point, you just got to be like, well, you know, you still have the burden of listening from, from, you know, Rule four, but the extroverted thinking demon, like, they’ll get extremely controlling. And it’s because it’s like, Hey, if you’re not gonna listen to me, I’m gonna take away your voice, or I’m going to destroy your reputation.
They don’t care about their status. That’s a very, very important, you might care about your status, or they assume that you care about your status. So, and honestly, deep down, and Effie here wants you to care about your status. So do things that elevate your status.
If you ever do a moral failure of some kind, where it reduces your status, among other people, the ESF J will take it very personally. Because it they see it as a reflection on them for your behavior, and they’re not necessarily holding you responsible, and as much as they’re feeling guilty and feeling responsible for themselves, right. So based on that, it’s your job to make sure that you’re always making decisions. Also, you know, that you’re making decisions that actually helps elevate your status elevates your respectability amongst other people in your life.
Because otherwise, the ESF J will see you as an irresponsible person and an ESF J. They’re very responsible themselves and they can tolerate very irresponsible people. I mean, look at ISFPs SFPs are notorious for being bad at handling money, and are being all about instant gratification and not really responsible people compared to the rest of the types. My ESF J’s that’s their golden pair, so they could tolerate irresponsibility, but don’t go too far with it.
Because if you go too far with it, then other people start judging the ESF j because of your behavior. Wow, you just lost them and their demons out and you’re gonna get crushed. Now the fastest way to get someone’s demon out is to like, obviously crush their Inferior function or actually go directly for the demon itself. And in this case, you know, if you have a super high moral failure that causes people to think less of you, such that they start complaining to the ESFJ about your behavior, you’ve basically lost them.
So rule number eight, is make sure that you don’t put yourself in a position to have a super high moral failure that causes people to lose respect for you, because of other people outside of your relationship lose respect for you, the ESF J will also because of their interdependent affiliative nature will also lose respect for you as well. Good luck keeping that relationship. Good luck. I dare you to keep that relationship at that point.
So anyway, this concludes the eight rules for loving ESF J’s. Good luck on your relationships. If you follow these eight rules, you will have success in your relationship with an ESF J. And I hope you go out of your way to make sure it’s a very beneficial, mutually beneficial relationship.
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And I’m supposed to be releasing another seven season 17 episode which I filmed but for some reason hasn’t been released yet should have been but it wasn’t. We’re going to get that out to you before the end of the year. So still, toward my end of the year, catch up right now especially, you know, being down and out but I’ll have all that to you folks. So anyway, thanks for watching and have a good night later.
